Sunday, December 05, 2004

Nominees Part II

11. Vince Carter, Toronto Raptors...for now anyway

This Vince Carter was HOT. He played hard, actually defended a man or two, and flew over 7-foot white boys. He really was Half-Man, Half-Amazing. This is the Vince Carter we have now: He's pouting about his team, his minutes, and even his freakin' iPod. And then there was his "I'm not going to dunk anymore" declaration followed by a "Just kidding" after he realized there really wasn't much left to his game. This saddens me so much...even more than Jimmy Jackson not getting his props...even more than the whole YQY-Brandy thing. For so long, Vince Carter was the standard bearer of the league. Everyone who met him - whether on the court, in a press room, or in a bar - always talked about what a good guy he was. He didn't skank around, kept his promise to his mom that he would graduate from UNC, and just conducted himself respectably. Every girl I know was in LOVE with him, like "I'd move to Canada for you in a second" in love. He topped every Hot Baller list out there. Now...well not so much. Hmm...he got married this summer and then demanded to be traded. I wonder if Mrs. Christie, I mean Carter had anything to do with his fall from grace. For now, VC is just a nominee. Sadly, he's not even close to the Top 5 anymore but Grant Hill's resurrection gives us all hope. Come back to us too, Vince!

*Sidenote: Part I was mostly lesser knowns and new arrivals to the League. Part II, you'll notice, includes the more obvious choices and marquee names. I just wanted to mix it up a bit, put a little Spirit into the Academy Awards. So the next nominee is...

12. Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs

Rookie of the Year, 2 time regular season MVP, 2 time Finals MVP, 1 time All-Star MVP. His stats speak for themselves. But even with all that, he's still one of the shyest guys in the League! And he's 7 feet tall! How cute is that?? I see him somewhere in the Top 5.

13. Chris Webber, Sacramento Kings

He's been investigated more times than Michael Jackson, he's disgraced U of M, and he only plays half-seasons at a time. But look at that smile! Hey if it was good enough for Tyra, it's good enough for us.

14. Tracy McGrady, Houston Rockets

Ahh Mr. Bedroom Eyes. Also a nominee for Always Looks High. It's all good. He's T-Mac-Daddy!

15. Ben Wallace, Deeeeeetroit Basketbaaaaaaall

Now this is a REAL man. He has unbelievable bone structure in his face and the best arms in the biz...The better to push Ron Artest's face in -- I kid, I kid! I love Ron Artest. We have the same birthday. But he best Fear the Fro!

16. Steve Smith, Charlotte Bobcats

For some reason, the Ladies Love Steve Smith! I have to include myself in that lot because even though he plays for the Bobcats - and I use the term "play" loosely - I still think he's hot. Maybe it's because he donated $2.5 mil to build an activity center in honor of his late mother. Maybe it's because he's won every Sportsmanship Award out there. Or maybe it's because he still loves Sanford and Son and has every episode on tape. Whatever the reason, LL Cool SS!

17. Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs

He's French (hot!), his head is a wee bit bulbous (too cute), and he's already won a championship (got skillz...or a really good teammate). Oh and he's only 22 (bastard of a child!). If not Top 5 Hottest Guy, then definitely Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelor. Told ya he was young.

18. Peja Stojakovic, Sacramento Kings

Like Marko, his fellow Serbia-Montenegro-an, he only looks hot in certain lighting. But even in bad lighting, he's still hotter than the other Serbs - except Vlade of course - and he's a lot better than them, so we'll at least make him a nominee.

19. Caron Butler, Los Angeles Lakers

Looks like Pharrell and probably one of the few people who can match his yearly income. Gotta love that NBA cheese.

20. Chauncey Billups, Detroit what

So Chauncey's not the most obvious choice, but he's got that swagger - that "My-nickname-is-Smooth-and-I-got-the-trophy-plus-the-MVP" attitude - and it's hot. Not maybe people can pull off having the name "Chauncey" or having "King Bill" tattooed on their arm, but it works for him. So Chauncey...So Billups...So Smooth. HOT!

And thus the list of nominees is officially closed. Check back later for results.

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