Thursday, June 30, 2005

Kraft-y Russian

By far the funniest headline of the day was "Putin pockets Kraft's Superbowl ring!" Apparently, upon meeting the Patriots' owner, Vlad became so dazzled by his 2005 Superbowl ring that he decided to lighten Bob's finger by 124 carats.

Now you see it...

...Now you don't!

The best part - After he straight up jacked him, Vlad got Kraft to say he "gave" the ring to him. Talk about the ultimate politician. Mind you, though, Vlad's a man who's used to taking what he wants, whether it be diamond rings or people's freedom. Poor Bob didn't stand a chance.

On the bright side though, I now know how to get my hands on a PSP. I plan on puttin' a Putin on my friend Dave tomorrow. I've been eyeing his PSP for awhile. I'll let you know if I have what it takes to be a megalomaniacal Russian president.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

More Popular than Tar Heels

What was more popular than Tar Heels at the draft?

The diagonal striped tie.
Everyone from Bogut on down was rocking it.
But the coolest person of the night?

Mickael Gelebale. From France. Of course.
Most likely to be dating Teri Hatcher when we see him next.

Shaq Daddy: NBA, MBA

Pretty impressive resumé.
Congratulations, Big Deez.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Draft Day

It's not about who goes where...
It's about what they wear!

Jackass of the Month: Freddie Ljungberg

In lieu of a Commissioner's Pet of the Week, I'm doing a special Jackass of the Month.

The NBA and its players are routinely castigated and villified for being too "hip hop." After the brawl, Rush Limbaugh took time out from insulting Donovan McNabb to declare the NBA was "hip-hop culture on parade...gang behavior on parade minus the guns." Not realizing the Palace
of Auburn Hills isn't actually in Detroit, he also renamed Detroit "New Fallujah, Michigan." What a dumbass. Anyway, getting back to the point, one of the things critics point to when decrying the NBA's hip hop influence is the preponderance of tattoos. Too unprofessional, they sniff. Well, last time I checked, no player missed any games because of tattoos.

Now to Freddie Ljungberg, Swedish soccer player for Nick Hornby's beloved Arsenal, Calvin Klein model, wannabe fashion designer, and more impressively, not gay.

Freddie here missed four weeks of the season because of an allergic reaction to the ink in his panther tattoos. Yup, white boy was attacked by his black panther tattoos. If that doesn't qualify for jackass honors, I don't know what does.

Beyond that though, neither Arsenal nor the FA Premier League should really care that I think Freddie Ljungberg is a jackass. I've never attended a Premiership match nor have I ever bought any Premiership merchandise (except that David Beckham Man U poster in '99 ). At best, I've caught a few games on FSN, but it was purely coincidental. Likewise, why should the NBA care if Rush Limbaugh and his neo-Nazi followers think the league is too hip hop? Has Rush Limbaugh ever attended an NBA game in his life? Has he ever bought a jersey, a poster, anything? Why is the league so concerned about losing his support, his money when it never had either in the first place? Who cares if people in Kansas and Oklahoma are offended by tattoos and cornrows! There's a reason why teams aren't there in the first place or why they packed up and said "peace out!" Besides, people in Middle America should be more concerned that their daughters are turning tricks for shopping money, or as Bill Maher would say, "They're selling coochie for Gucci." Leave the NBA to the people who actually care about it, all 9 of us.

And I Thought I Liked Avery

Angie Harmon gave birth to her second daughter with husband, NFL "star" Jason Sehorn, in Dallas last Wednesday naming her Avery. Their first daughter is named Finley. Apparently Nowitzki Sehorn was already taken. Either they're the biggest Mavs fans in existence or they're on Mark Cuban's payroll.

Monday, June 27, 2005


I think the Aussies have been hiding something from us.

Now Let's Listen In On the French Broadcast!

(In honor of ABC's fine job with the Finals.)

En fait, C'EST la vraie raison

Qui obtient plus de femmes que des rappers ou athlètes? Que diriez-vous d'un Français rapper/athlete. Déplacez-vous par-dessus, T.I. TP9 montré outre de ses qualifications la nuit des dents du championnat de rassemblement samedi, un de ces choses que vous devez voir pour croire. Je ne sais pas ce qui était plus drôle - RAP de Tony ou la danse de Brent Barry. Brent n'était pas tout à fait le fantôme de Marquez Madsen , mais vous avez l'idée. Si vous la manquiez, ou comme moi vous attrapiez seulement les points culminants parce que NBA TV a décidé de montrer un jeu de WNBA au lieu d'aérer le rassemblement de phase, vous pouvez vérifier la vidéo ici .

Actually, THIS is the Real Reason

Who gets more women than rappers or athletes? How about a French rapper/athlete. Move over, TI. TP9 showed off his skills at the Spurs' Championship Rally Saturday night, one of those things you have to see to believe. I don't know what was funnier - Tony rapping or Brent Barry dancing. Brent wasn't quite the ghost of Mark Madsen, but you get the idea. If you missed it, or like me you only caught the highlights because NBA TV decided to show a WNBA game instead of airing the rally live, you can check out the video here.

Seriously, how are they not going to show the Champion NBA rally live?? I'm mad, mad as hell because I set my VCR to tape it at its designated time, but they didn't show it until 3 hours later so I missed the whole thing. For real, how can they honestly expect people to be home on Saturday night AND wait through a WNBA game??
Bloody bastards. Anyway, back to the rap superstar.

He even had Beno dancing! If Rasho and Sean Marks got up, this video needs to be immediately immortalized in the White Boy Hall of Fame.

The REAL Reason Eva's with Tony

"Ball don't lie."

Hardest Job in the NBA

While we're on the subject of the Pistons...

Meet Kevin Griggs, media relations spokesman for the Detroit Pistons. Think of the media shitstorms this guy has had to deal with this year alone - the brawl, Larry Brown's wanderlust, Rasheed. Whatever they're paying him, it's not nearly enough.

Here he is trying to convince Sheed to talk to the media during team media availability before Game 2. Needless to say, he failed.

The brawl alone would have been enough to make a seasoned pro like Lizzie Grubman drive her SUV through another crowd just to avoid having to deal with the PR nightmare that followed. Add to that the self-perpetuating maelstroms that are LB and Sheed...Well, I imagine it was difficult for Kevin to get up some mornings. Don't get me wrong; as you know, I love Sheed and respect the hell out of the Pistons, but I definitely don't envy Kevin's position. However, I wouldn't mind buddying up to him and getting some courtside seats, baby!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

End of an Era

The year of the belt has officially ended. I just wanted to pay tribute to the brains behind the belt and the team that wore them.

Before Game 4 or even 5 last year, no one thought the Pistons would beat the Lakers. Big Ben was too small, Tayshaun too young, Chauncey too unproven, Rasheed too crazy, and Rip just not Kobe. But they came out together and fought for every last shot, rebound, loose ball, etc. They ultimately ended up overshadowing themselves because they not only beat the Dynasty, they dismantled it.

Rasheed Wallace proved himself as a player and a teammate. Instead of the "cancer" on a losing team, he became the final piece to a championship one. He may not have silenced all his critics - and part of the Sheed appeal is that he never will nor cares to - but he endeared himself to a whole new city of fans who will gladly deafen any haters with chants of "Sheeeeeeed."

It's only fitting that they be beaten by another team effort. They may have adopted the "we don't get any respect" mentality, but anyone who knows basketball - basically, anyone outside of LA - respected the hell out of them and we're going to miss the belts. Who knows - we may be seeing them again very soon.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker: Trophy Love

She won her man.

He won his trophy...

Both of them.

Valvoline Guy Came Through!

Proving once and for all, you don't mess with a good thing when your team is on a streak. Look who else came through in Game 7:

The 3-time Finals MVP.

He may not have been the coolest person before the game, but he was the one clutching the trophy at the end. (There's something gratifying in knowing that for all the differences between men and women, both still want hardware from Tiffany's at the end of the day.) Tim Duncan may not be the most dynamic person in the league, but he is a force to be reckoned with nonetheless. I love that for all his alleged superstar shortcomings off the court - no bling-bling, no fancy clothes, no entourage - he's got the most bling of any player currently on the court: 2 regular season MVPs, 3 Finals MVPs, and 3 rings. (Remember Shaq only has one regular season MVP.) Maybe that's why certain players ice themselves from head to toe off the court - to compensate for all the bling they don't get on the court. Timmy doesn't need to though; he's got all the bling he wants or needs.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Game 6: Two Reasons for Spurs' Loss

Hubie Brown actually referred to Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili as "cats." This can also be filed under "signs of the apocalypse."

The Indian guy sitting between Hubie and Al Michaels didn't wear his Valvoline/Spurs t-shirt. That guy is getting more play than the entire Pistons' bench. The Spurs weren't having any problems when he was rocking the shirt and blowing kisses at the camera during Games 1 and 2. And then he goes and changes his shirt for Game 6! Doesn't he know you have to respect routine and superstition? Seven years later and Timmy's still wearing his Wake Forest practice shorts backwards. C'mon random Valvoline man, what kind of fan are you!

I Miss Avery

Speaking of Maverick coaches, I recently got this inexplicable yearning for Avery Johnson. I found it a bit odd considering Pop, my all time favorite coach, is in the Finals right now. But then, I read a quote by David Robinson, Avery's former teammate and best friend, which explained my predicament.

After the Lil' General left the Spurs, the Admiral said, "It's strange not having Avery. You get used to hearing that voice all the time." A ha! I'm sure all of you are also going through Avery withdrawal pangs. It's okay...Just watch
NBA Rookies on Spike TV. Avery makes a cameo or two, but besides getting an Avery fix, the show is hysterical. There's nothing quite like seeing brand new multi-millionaires having to earn their rookie stripes and literally sing for their supper. You go, J.R. Smith!


Calling all Germans. Anrufen aller Deutschen.

This is a question that's been bugging me for 3 years. What in the world does "scheizen" mean?

Remember the Nellie American Express commercial? One of my absolute favorite commercials, by the way. In it, Nellie (the man at the forefront of the Eur/Asian invasion) buys all these foreign language books before going to practice. Who can forget his "Nein, Nowitzki, nein" and "Hey, Nashie, how about hustling up a bit, eh? Ya hoser!" Anyway, Dirk says something in German that ends with "scheizen" and Nellie just looks at him and goes, "Scheizen? Scheissen?" and starts flipping through his dictionary. The end. But what does it mean?! Help! Hilfe!

Sadly, with the departure of Nellie and Steve Nash, the commercial's become obsolete but it's still absolutely brilliant.

By the way, if I've said something to the equivalent of JFK's "Ich bein ein berliner," my bad. I'm really not a jelly donut.


Oh my goodness. Mozilla seriously puts Internet Explorer to shame. Thanks to some readers, I tried Mozilla/Firefox and it's awesome. Mind you, I'm probably the least technologically-savvy person on the planet - remember, 6 months before I figured out how to hyperlink - but I've already figured this whole Tabbed Browsing, Live Bookmark thing out. This is totally unprecedented.

Shawn Bradley Retiring

Before Darko became the Human Victory Cigar, Shawn Bradley was the Human Highlight Film...for whoever he was defending. He's responsible for more posters and highlights than MJ and Dr. J combined. And now, the Stormin' Mormon is retiring after 12 years of providing us with endless entertainment and even some basketball.

So in honor of Mr. Bradley and Mormons everywhere, here's my tribute to his trailblazing career - the Shawn Bradley highlight reel:

T-Mac's insane dunk over him during Game 2 of the Rockets-Mavs series this year.

Clip of Cuttino Mobley's facial on him during Cat's Rocket days.

January 25, 2000: Getting body slammed by 6'7 Mark Davis and then getting fined $3000 for it. (I would play money for that clip.)

On a sidenote, while we're on the topic of Mormons, here's a brief excerpt from Sarah Vowell's book, "
Assassination Vacation":
The egomania required to be president or a presidential assassin makes the two types brothers of sorts. Presidents and presidential assassins are like Las Vegas and Salt Lake City that way. Even though one city is all about sin and the other is all about salvation, they are identical, one-dimensional company towns built up out of the desert by the sheer will of true believers. The assassins and the presidents invite the same basic questions: Just who do you think you are?
I was cracking up while I was reading the book at Coffee Bean today. I looked like Lindsay Hunter after he gets called for a foul. I almost had to slap myself. Why does he get that stupid grin on his face after every call? You're Lindsay fucking Hunter. Robert Horry does that shit, too, sometimes. It must be a Laker thing. I hate that shit.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Game 7 Tomorrow

Time to get alive, time to represent. Need I say more?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Game 6 in 5 minutes!!!

No Girls Allowed

After Game 4's embarrassing 31-point blowout, Pop issued an edict declaring "No Girls Allowed." That's right. All wives, girlfriends, and Longorias were banned from the Spurs' hotel for the 3 days leading up to Game 5. The Air Force Academy graduate decided to employ a bunker mentality to get his once focused team back on track.

Erin Barry, Brent's wife, huffed and puffed to no avail and ended up just going back to San Antonio.

I don't know who Ms. Thang thought she was dealing with, but I doubt Pop is the type of man who's likely to be swayed by either bitching or moaning.

I guess the message here is when you can't appeal to a man through his stomach, look lower. What other coach would have the balls to do this?? Mo Cheeks could barely ban popcorn from his locker room. At what point do we just bow down and call him "Master?"

Monday, June 20, 2005

Happy Birthday, Darko!

Darko turns 20 today. What to get a 20-year-old with too much money and even more time on his hands? Since I'm sure he and Elden have mastered PSP, get him some bobbleheads! Apparently, Darko has an affinity for them, keeping his teammates' bobbleheads lined up on his locker. Just another layer to that wacky Darko mystique.

Robert Horry: Clutch...Literally

The real reason he's known as "Clutch." They didn't show that shot on ABC.

Spurs' Appoggiatura

Oh Pop.

When the Spurs arrived in San Antone early this morning - to a
throng of screaming Texans no less - they were each wearing black shirts with the word "appoggiatura" printed on them.

Appoggiatura was the winning word of this year's Spelling Bee and it is "an embellishing note, usually one step above or below the note it precedes and indicated by a small note or special sign."

Gregg Popovich, in a move of either sheer clairvoyance or humor, had had the shirts printed up for his team. How he could have known that Game 5 with the thrilling overtime victory capped by another Robert Horry game winner would be an appoggiatura to Game 6 and possibly the championship is beyond me. Of course, the simpler explanation is that he had the shirts made to lighten the mood. Before Game 1, he asked his team if anyone knew what the winning word of the Spelling Bee was and, according to the New York Times, Manu's response was, "Spelling bees? Where are the bees?" And there you have your potential Finals MVP.

Either way, clairvoyant or not, Pop is indisputably sports' reigning mad genius.

Random Game 5 Celebrities

1. Michael Moore

What is Michael Moore doing there? Is there a more unlikely fan, aside from Alanis Morissette, Bryan Adams, and whoever that girl was before Game 4. I never thought I'd say this, but where's Mariah's crazy ass?

2. Dwight Howard

He's HOT!

3. Eva Longoria

Wouldn't it have been great if after Rip missed the last shot and it was dead silent in the Palace, all of a sudden you heard this lone crazy cheer and it was Eva?

Al Michaels

I'm seriously going to end up beating him with a stick if he offers any more pearls of wisdom like "Remember that fouls don't start over in overtime" and "Teams start shooting free throws after 5 fouls." Are you fucking kidding me??? I mean, honestly. Chances are if we're watching the Finals, we know that when the round, orange ball-like sphere goes into the net, that's what's commonly referred to as a basket. C'mon, Al, don't treat us like imbeciles just because Kid Rock is there. We know what's going on. Your job isn't to berate us...It's to prevent Hubie from getting too close to the camera.

Game 5: The Series Begins and Ends

Heartbreak Horry

In case you missed the Robert Horry show, also known as the playoffs, you can get the picture-by-picture playback here, here, or here. (By the way, I just figured out how to do hyperlinks after like 6 months so you'll have to forgive me if every other word is a hyperlink.)

What a crazy-ass game. Timmy almost went from G.O.A.T. to goat. Sheed gave everyone in Michigan Chris Webber in ‘93 flashbacks, which is ironic since C-Webb was actually at Game 5 with his Fab 5 buddy Jalen Rose.
I don't think anyone in Michigan would have survived another timeout debacle...seriously. Mention the words "Chris Webber" and "timeout" to anyone from Michigan. You don't even have to say "timeout;" just say "Webber" and see what kind of reaction you get. If Game 5 of the Finals had ended on free throws because of an illegal timeout...Malice at the Palace Part II x 100. Did you see the way Chauncey jumped on Sheed when he saw him call for time? Chauncey knows his state history.

I wonder what Chris was thinking when Sheed did that. Do you ever get the feeling that Chris is like 5 hobbled steps away from being Ray Finkle/Lois Einhorn in Ace Ventura? But instead of "Laces out!" it would be "No timeout!" Okay, enough picking on Chris because I really do like him, as evidenced here, here, and here.

Aight, aight, I'm done. Game was bomb. Can't wait for Game 6.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Cool Dad #3: Pimp Daddy Nash

When Steve Nash was named MVP around Mother's Day, Cheryl Miller interviewed his parents and asked his dad what he could possibly get for Father's Day that would top the MVP award. John Nash replied, "I'll take the Rolex and the Lamborghini." What a pimp! Wanna know how Steve won the MVP? He watched his dad and learned how to charm the hell out of everyone.

Cool Dad #2: Mr. Flash

DWade with his son, Zaire, who's already mastered Daddy's staredown.

Happy Father's Day

There's nothing more endearing than seeing the baddest, toughest motherf...ers on the court turn into the biggest, softest teddy bears around their children. Who'd have thought - Rasheed Wallace, teddy bear at heart and symbol of paternal responsibility. That's a M-A-N, baby!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Behind Every Great Man...

Is a woman threatening to withhold food unless he starts playing better.

As reported on by the illustrious Stuart Scott, Mrs. Chanda Wallace told her 6'9", 240-pound husband before Game 3, "'Let your hair down and go out there and play some basketball, or else you can't eat." Proving once and for all that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, Big Ben responded in Game 3 with 15 points, 11 boards, and 5 blocks and in Game 4 with 11 points, 13 boards, 3 blocks and 3 steals.

When he won the Defensive Player of the Year award this year, Ben said, "I want to thank my wife (Chanda) for letting me come home last year after I didn't win it."

Chanda Wallace, you are awesome!
Jackie Christie, this is what not-crazy looks like.

Game 4: Eva but No Tony

Eva: "Look, Frenchie, I said I wanted three rings!"

Major props to Eva Longoria for showing up in Detroit like she's Jack Nicholson. However, if she could only get her boyfriend to do the same.

Meanwhile, I love how the so-called "absolute nastiest fans" in the league (according to Stan Van Gundy) had nothing but love for Eva...

...while their hometown boy, Kid Rock, faced some hecklers.