A Very Vlade Christmas

This was my Christmas card last year and the inspiration for my Christmas Card posts this year. I hope everyone enjoyed them and had a wonderful holiday.

Now Happy New Year's Eve! As for me, I'm going to go see the Clippers and the Spurs tonight!! Timmy! Manu! Pop!! AHHHHHH!!!

Pistons vs. Wizards

Following Chauncey's game-winning basket, Wizards coach Eddie Jordan referred to the game as being "very close to [playoff-type basketball]." Easy there, partner. Yes, your team is 15-12 and yes, you play in the Eastern Conference but damn, there are still 55 games left in the season. Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

PS. Free Jim Jackson!

Andrei Kirilenko

The real reason AK-47 isn't playing.

"The I Can't Wait Cookbook features international gems--just like our team--and covers everything from soup to dessert."

Which team is cheesier - the Memphis Grizzlies or the Utah Jazz?
Coincidentally, both teams changed to the same color over the summer.

Jim Jackson: Dissed Again

My boyfriend J.J. was traded to his ELEVENTH team today. And for whom? David Wesley...of the Hornets. I don't understand. Is it the water in Texas that makes everyone so crazy? Do only the GMs in San Antonio get enough oxygen to their brains? So sad.

Anyway, this is a tribute to the underappreciated, very handsome Jim Jackson.

Q and D: The Boppsey Twins

So at what point do we acknowledge the quasi-homoerotic relationship between Quentin Richardson and Darius Miles manifested in their for-us-only headbop?

Just kidding. I'm not calling out Q or D. I'm calling out that headbop. I mean really, what is going on here???

Is this cute?

It was one thing when both Q and D were on the Clippers and it showed how tight they were. But now that Q's on the rise in Phoenix and D's...well, D's in Portland, it just makes me sad. I read on a review for The Youngest Guns DVD that Q and D don't talk that much anymore. (Brandy. Slut.) That was after the initial shock of actually seeing a DVD on Q or D. But beyond that, the headbop just looks stoopid stupid. Minus the millions of $$$, the muscles, and the skillz, this is what the headbop truly looks like:

It ain't pretty.

So until Q and D are doing their Jay and Silent Bob thing again, NO MORE HEADBOP!


See, it really does exist.

Link to article on The Youngest Guns:
http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/sports/articles/1205suns1205.html

NBA Kids

Guess which one is Allen Iverson II and which one is TJ Kidd. Take your time on this one because I know it's hard to tell. In 20 years, they'll both be going for the title that neither Dad got.

But look how cute they are! Say it with me: Awwwwwww!

NBA Coach I Love: Don Nelson

3 reasons why I love Nellie:

1. Named his son Donn instead of Don so that he wouldn't be a "Junior"

2. Has the best Buddha Belly in the league

3. Has the best, most consistent response to bad calls/calls he doesn't like (hands on hips, Buddha Belly out, face enraged). The Rasheed Wallace of coaches if you will.

3a. Who else can get himself kicked out 93 seconds into a game? C'mon!


After Mark Cuban fires him for that little idget Avery Johnson, I think Nellie should remake himself as the John Madden of the NBA. He already has the look and the coaching pedigree. Plus he's funny as hell and, more importantly, willing to laugh at himself. He's the most dynamic coaching personality in the league and it's about time he sells his soul to Nintendo and is immortalized in Nellie 2005 for PS2.

How could you not love this man??


He even makes a Brick Wall laugh.


C'mon Cuban - make one of your patented "Nash isn't worth that much"/"Van Exel for Jiri Welsch" moves and fire Nellie so we can get this ball rolling.

Christmas Card #5

Since today is Christmas, I won't take a cheap shot at Doug here...the refs already did that Thursday night. I'll just say...

Merry Christmas!!

It's T minus 5 hours til the Pistons-Pacers game and I'm so juiced to see Jermaine O'Neal back. Damn the NBA for scheduling the game so freakin early though. I'll write more after Shaq Daddy lays the smackdown on Staples. Until then, good night and Happy Holidays!

PS. No beer in Indy on Christmas so eat, drink, drink some more, and be merry that you ain't in Indy!

Christmas Card #4

Daddy Dunleavy must be so proud.

Name That Coach

Oh look, they gave that homeless man a Nets sweatshirt. Wait...that's the coach! Shows how much pull he has in that organization - he can't even get team gear that fits him properly. Oh how the mighty have fallen from the days of "the best start for a coach in history."

Christmas Card #3

Oh Q.

Did anyone watch Inside the NBA last night? TNT had a backstage pass to the Suns for 48 hours leading up to the Magic game on the 13th. Q is just Mr. Personality. First he told Yuta Tabuse that he was "da Man." Then he got mad at Steven Hunter for only bringing an "itty bitty bag of McDonald's" and only offering him a bite. "I'm 6'6, 230. What do I want a bite for?!" I think Mickey D's has found their perfect pitchman. Now has he broken up with Brandy yet?

So the Suns are going into Seattle tonight. First one to 150 wins. C'mon Amare, Busta face!

David Stern's Sweet 16

I didn't watch The Apprentice finale because if I wanted to see charity basketball, I'd watch the Hornets. Plus there were real games on. But here - I think - are the 16 who did their thang for charity.

Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Aside from the 20 point turnaround in the 3rd quarter, aside from Lebron's 4 for 21 shooting, the thing that stuck out the most in my mind from the Cavs-Pistons game:

The hair.

Oh my Lord - Anderson Varejao vs. Ben Wallace made Detroit Rock City look more like Fraggle Rock.

At one point, Varejao was defending Big Ben and all I saw was hair. I hope the Cavs fans start wearing Varejao wigs and then duke it out with the Pistons fans wearing the 'fros.

Damn photographers - take a picture of someone other than Lebron! I want a picture of the MopTop and Big Ben!!

Oh and I'm not even going to talk about what went down in Sac-town.

Christmas Card #2

Now that he's been traded from the Mavs to the Warriors, Eduardo Najera can make an ass of himself both on AND off the court.

By the way, all those people who paid to go to the Warriors-Hornets game yesterday deserve a medal for being a "True NBA Fan."

Now onto Cavs-Pistons and Lakers-Kings...and Chuck!

Christmas Card #1

Seriously, why do the Grizzlies do this to their players?

(Refer to the Pow! and Batti-man pictures in my previous post "Oh no they didn't!")

Amare

I love Amare Stoudemire. He has that cool, raspy Busta Rhymes voice. I keep waiting for him to make some crazy-ass Busta face.

C'mon Amare! Next time Craig Sager or Jim Gray stops you, just do this...

...and yell "Break ya neck, bitches!"

Notes on the Pistons-Knicks Game

How does this fool have a job?

I'm watching the Pistons-Knicks game (by the way, I was subjected to my third Kobe interview of the day) but I don't think Tom Tolbert is. The refs would blow the whistle and Tolbert would go "Walk" as you hear the announcer say "3 second violation." His observation on Jamal Crawford's defense: "Well he should be good because he's tall." Seriously, how does he have a job...as a play-by-play announcer no less! Do you just fail up in the NBA?

And this motherfucker has the nerve to charge $20,000+ for speaking fees! Who the fuck is you to charge that much??? That's Bill Clinton-Colin Powell $$$. Honestly, what has he done to justify any speaking fee??

Here's the link though if you want career advice on how to succeed without any talent:
http://www.hiresportsspeakers.com/bio.cfm/speakerID/1089/Tom_Tolbert

By the way, Pistons won.

NBA back on NBC...but on The Apprentice

So my theory is this: David Stern agreed to whore out the league to Donald Trump as a big "Fuck YOU, rich boy!" to Mark Cuban.

The Mark Cuban-Donald Trump feud is pretty much known throughout the league. And if not, you can read about it everyday alongside Cuban's other rants on BlogMaverick.com. The Mark Cuban-David Stern feud isn't at its apex anymore like the Cuban-Trump thing, but David Stern is probably the ONE person in the world who could beat Kobe Bryant in a grudge match.

Imagine how Cuban feels - he probably begged Dirk to come on his floppin'-like-Fortson show. I bet he refused to match the Suns' offer to Nash because Steve made fun of the show in the locker room and Mark heard it on one of this five million hidden cameras. He lost the reality TV race to Trump (I refuse to use the tired ol' pun that he was Trump'd or something equally asinine) and to add insult to injury, players from his league are going to appear on the other billionaire's show.

David Stern Smithers must be grinning his ear off right now. He couldn't have thought of a bitchier move if he was a 15-year-old girl. He is THE Queen Bee.



Now I wonder which of his bitches / ass kissers / publicity hounds / wannabes he got to go on the show. Hmm...

Chris: King of Kings for the Night

HE DID IT!

Chris Webber hit the game winning 3!

All you haters in Michigan and LA, yes you read that sentence right and hell didn't freeze over either. (Oh by the way, did you happen to catch the Sonics-Lakers game? :) Anyway back to the winning Cali team, the Kings and the Bucks were tied with 3.4 seconds left in the 4th. Like Game 7 of the Twolves playoff series last year, in a team that includes proven - beyond proven - 3 point shooters (Peja, Bibby), the ball goes outside the arc to...C Webb???

I just bent over at that point. The faces of my Michigan relatives saying "I told you so" danced in my head.

But...NOT THIS TIME! I am so thrilled for Chris. He's been called every name in the book, blamed for everything outside Indy but he keeps chuggin along...on one knee to boot. All we can say now is:

Take a bow, Chris, take a bow. Or skip if you prefer. Whatever floats your boat.



One sidenote though: Now I can point to at least two occassions where Chris was given the ball beyond the arc(!) - instead of the 2 time 3-point champion(!!) and Mike "Crunch Time" Bibby(!!!) - with the game on the line(!!!!). If he refers to the team as anyone else's but his again, I swear I'm gonna kick him in the kneecap...the good one!!!!!

Cry Me A River!

Does anyone believe anything he says anymore??

You're accused of rape and your first response is to somehow implicate Shaq.

Now you're accused of selling out another teammate. This time though, a well respected friend and neighbor.
Response: Well he made a pass at my wife...yeah...He sucks, not me...and umm...Did I mention the whole Shaq paying off his girls thing?...oh yeah...Jerry Buss will have my back no matter what I say or do SO THERE!
This was followed immediately by: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Doesn't Kobe remind you of the kid who always yelled "Not it!" when it came down to picking up the mess both of you made after playing or the kid who would always say "Well he did it first" after he hit you and the Moms got involved?

"What? I didn't do anything! I'M the VICTIM!"

"I'M the VICTIM!"

"I'M the...wait are the cameras on me?...ok look sad...think a lifetime of being Shaq's sidekick...no that just makes me mad...think Shaq getting hurt...haha...oh shit stop smiling...now be sad!...I'M the VICTIM!"

No, you are not.

Rick Fox: Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen

My previous post on the original NBA melee - Doug Christie vs. Rick Fox vs. Jackie Christie - reminded me, sadly...very sadly, of one of my last images of the ex-Mr. Vanessa Williams.



I thought money made you look better.

Exhibit A:
(Pre-nose/lip/hair/I-caught-you-cheating-and-now-yo'-ass-is-MINE job)


How sad that Rick looked better when he was playing a drug addicted, girlfriend beating, washed up ex-NBA player on Oz (HBO). How sad that Rick looked better playing a baller on TV than actually being one in real life.

Speaking of Lakers fallen from grace...

Zach Randolph

Oh my God! Who in their right mind would put their kids anywhere near this man??

This is the same guy of whom his high school coach said, "I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says he shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good."

Run, kids, run!

Do two 1/2 knees make a right fit?

Kings VP of Basketball Operations Wayne Cooper said the Kings aren't playing the Karl Malone sweepstakes. Thank God! I mean could you just imagine - you have Chris Webber and his bum left knee and you add Karl Malone and his bum right knee?? I literally would have cried until the misery ended during the second round of playoffs...again.

Random Football Stuff

Hey, you just won the Heisman. Smile bitch!

By the way, did you see Carson Palmer on ESPN all weekend in his SC hat? You play for Cincinnati now, loser. Get over it!

Coming soon: Following another disappointing game with the Bengals, QB Carson Palmer seen strutting around his elementary school where he, according to fifth-grader Susie Q, "still rules!"

Jackie Christie: Crazier than Anna Nicole or Just Misunderstood?

For those of you unfamiliar with Mrs. Jackie Christie, let me fill you in. If you think Ron Artest can generate some bad publicity and controversy, wait til you meet Jackie Christie. I'm sorry but I have to refer to her by her full name lest anyone think she's not married to Doug Christie, Sacramento Kings, in which case she may whup yo' ass! I could probably devote a whole website to her and her crazy-ass/simply misunderstood antics, but that would probably take the rest of my life.

Most people were introduced to JC (I can't keep typing that whole name out) during a preseason Kings-Lakers game in 2002 at the height of their rivalry. During the playoffs in June of that year, the Kings were standing at the door of the Finals, literally right there, and then the 3 in Game 4. Fucking Robert Horry. Instead of going back to Sac up 3-1, the Kings ended up 2-2 and eventually lost the series. Well at the preseason exhibition game in October, Rick Fox and Doug Christie got into it on the floor. Balls were thrown (both literally and figuratively) and both Fox and Christie were kicked out of the game.

Here's the thing, if you look at it from a fight aspect, Doug clearly whupped Rick's ass. Please like it's that hard. If Vanessa Williams could do it... Anyway, instead of going back to his locker room, Fox ran behind the stands toward the Kings' tunnel and put Doug in a headlock. Jackie - the omnipresent figure that she is - jumped up out of her seat and started hitting Rick with her purse. Both benches emptied - actually only Shaq got up for Rick, the entire Kings bench got up for Doug. How surprising Kobe wasn't there. The only time he has people's backs is right before he's about to stab them in it. Anyway, despite the fact that Doug proved himself on the court, the fact that his wife got up and tried to help him...well, that was all the ammo Shaq and sportswriters needed. And thus the legend of Jackie Christie was born.

Since then, everyone's paid attention to the Christies' relationship and started noticing things that were...odd. Doug did (and still does) these hand signals after every shot, rebound, assist, breath, step. They are signals to his wife telling her "he loves her." Now most girls would say "Awww" to that except the fact that JC has alienated every female out there who isn't her own flesh and blood. JC doesn't let any woman - child, adult, single, married - near her husband. Sometimes she'll let a female reporter interview Doug but she better be RIGHT THERE holding his hand, watching like a hawk. Some women who worked for the Kings actually filed a lawsuit against them and the Christies because they claimed they were "wrongfully terminated" because of JC and the fact that she's a crazy ass, jealous bitch. Now I don't know if those were the exact words in the court document, but I'm just summarizing for you. The suit had some merit b/c JC didn't like and thus barred female staffers from the Kings locker room where her hubby might not have his shirt on and you know, girls might just lose control and start throwing themselves at him.

One valid point she has though is that infidelity is as prevalent in bball as the refs are. Even Saint MJ had paternity suits brought against him. Gold-diggers and just straight up skanks prowl the games, the hotels, and the clubs. JC's defense at all times is protecting her marriage and her family. In that sense, really how is she any different from Anna Benson? (Anna Benson is the former stripper/model - aren't they all - who was named by FHM as the Hottest Wife in Baseball. In the article, she said if her husband ever cheated on her, she would sleep with his entire team - the Mets - including players, coaches, groundskeepers, janitors, anyone she could find and she would also sleep with all of his opponents.) Now just think, if Anna Benson would do that, what do you think them hos still trying to land their Kobe would do?

And so the saga of Jackie Christie goes on. I'll write more later but I think you need to digest all this first or else you'll just say I'm making this up; unless of course you've been privy to the hand gestures, the beeline for each other after the buzzer sounds, the weddings they put on every year to celebrate their marriage...I mean it just goes on and on. Oh and if that weren't enough, Ms. Thang HAS HER OWN WEBSITE! When I saw the link, I was like Naw, it's too good to be true. But it's real! See it for yourself and decide, Jackie Christie: Crazy or Misunderstood?

http://www.jackiechristie.com/

PS. The heart logo on her website is also the tattoo that Doug and Jackie have on their hands. Matching tattoos and everything. Seriously, it just goes on and on.

Top 5 Hottest Guys / December

5. Tim Duncan
4. Allen Iverson
3. Emeka Okafor
2. Jim Jackson
1. Dwyane Wade



Explanation:

Here are the qualities that I look for:
Is he fine?
Is he young?
Is he single?
Does he seem to have a good personality?
How are he and his team playing?

Based on the qualities above, my boyfriend Jim Jackson didn't make the Top 5 -- he's married and aside from the Spurs game, the Rockets ain't doin that hot -- and I thought That ain't right so basically I just picked my 5 hottest guys. I put DWade at #1 because he will not be ignored this year.

I'll post the original list in the comments section, and now that I've paid JJ his due, January's Top 5 Hottest Guys will actually follow the guidelines above.

Now this is how you dress when you show up to court. Oh Jermaine, you were robbed!

TMAC-culate

Tracy McGrady.

Holy hell.

I was on the bike at the gym watching the Rockets-Spurs game when T-Mac scored 13 POINTS in 35 SECONDS and hit the 3 at the 1.7 second mark. I couldn't help it - I screamed "Oh my God!" at the top of my lungs. Well, three trainers came running in to find me sitting on the bike with my arms in the air like I was Lance Armstrong winning the Tour de France or something

and I just yelled, "Tracy hit another 3!" ...And then I was kicked out. Well worth it though.

Did you see the look on Gregg Popovich's face?? It wasn't the Derek Fisher look, but you could see the blood rising.

This is why Pop is my favorite coach:
In the postgame interview, Craig Sager asked him, "How do you think Tracy McGrady got hot?"
Pop's response: "How'd he get hot? Is that what you asked me? How the hell should I know!" Followed immediately by "The Glare" in Sager's direction that clearly meant "You imbecile!" Classic Pop.

By the way, the Idget Jeff van Gundy is my 3rd favorite coach.

PPS. My boyfriend Jim Jackson was out with the flu. :(
But he looked HOT in his cream suit!

Ron Ron Ron! A babushka! Maybe he was just trying to remind the arbitrator of his harmless, sweet ol' Bubby.