Thursday, February 24, 2005

If Girls Ran the NBA...

1. Vlade Divac would never have been in the NBA. One whiff of eau de Vlade and his ass would have been put straight back on a plane for Yugoslavia.

2. Shirts vs. Skins would still be in effect. Except when involving the following players: Greg Ostertag, Brian Cook, Tractor Traylor, Brian Scalabrine, and Mehmet Okur.

3. The WNBA would not exist. Do you think girls would give other girls of model height more opportunities to make money doing something absolutely useless and unnecessary?

4. Vince Carter would replace Jerry West as The Logo. Wanna know why he keeps getting voted onto the All Star team? He's the John Travolta of the NBA - despite the fact that he's clearly past his prime and this latest comeback is just a precursor to The General's Daughter, one dance on Oprah (or in VC's case, one dunk of SportsCenter) and the Oprah crowd goes wild. Casual fans - ie, the ones who think Shaq still plays in LA and shots from half-court should be worth like 10 points - still consider him THE superstar of the league.

5. Shaq would still be in LA. There's nothing girls love more than a good soap opera. The ghost of Rick Fox would even make a few cameos during February sweeps.

Page 2's Hottest Male Athlete??

Are you kidding me??

Apparently, the same crackhead who came up with the All-Star halftime show came up with's Hottest Male Athlete poll. Are you telling me that in a league that includes Allen Iverson, Chris Webber, Dwyane Wade, and Wally Szczerbiak, Fishface Francis was the best they could come up with?? At least they had Emeka Okafor in there, but even so...Steve Francis?!? Not even a groupie pushing 30 with 3 kids to feed would say he was,, no. I'm surprised they didn't put Popeye Jones on the poll.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Chris Webber Trade, Part 2

Here's what was published on the Sacramento Bee's website this morning:

Every year, it's Chris Webber.
Headed here or there via trade, it's not really an NBA season unless the Kings forward's name is dropped a dozen or so times, regardless of rumor merit.

"I've heard it so much over the years," Webber said Tuesday night. "I didn't hear that I was coming to Sacramento. (Now) I don't want to trade this for the world...When this type of thing happened before (earlier in my career), I would become an introvert. It became a burden. As you get older, you learn to laugh at it. Not making the All-Star team (this season), hearing about chemistry problems, you laugh. I know I still believe in us."

Not only that, in the same article, writer Joe Davidson talks about how Matt Barnes "steps up" whenever Peja can't play.

And should Stojakovic not be ready for the six-game road trip?
"I'll be ready," said Barnes, a former Del Campo High School star. "I know what I have to do to help this team."

Damn, Peja just got rid of any and all potential threats to him in one swoop. He IS Michael Corleone. Who'd have thought that the same guy who disappears every playoffs had this in him?? He always seemed so soft, so emasculated. Oh my God, forget Michael Corleone...Peja's Keyser Soze!! Watch your back, Mike!

Chris Webber Traded!!

And for whom?? Kenny Thomas, Corliss Williamson, and Brian Skinner. And it wasn't a 1 for 3 trade either. In addition to C-Webb, the Kings gave the Sixers Matt Barnes and Michael Bradley. Does Geoff Petrie just walk in and bend over when he goes into trade negotiations??

Welcome to Shaq vs. Kobe, Sac-town style. Playing the Dwyane Wade role of can't-believe-his-fucking-luck guard is Allen Iverson. My main question is how this trade is going to affect Mike Bibby. Is Bibby gonna be the next Steve "I don't know what I'm going to wake up for" Francis? Exactly how many strings does Peja pull behind the scenes? Do the Maloofs refer to Peja as their son ala Jerry Buss and Kobe Bryant? When is Chris coming out with his Chris Shoe Phone? Is Chris going to sell all his Kings gear for $5 like Doug Christie? Auuuugh! I need to know these things!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

All-Star Portrait: Jackie and Doug Christie

Oh, I'm sorry...I meant the future Mrs. Jackie and Doug Christie! Look, she's already riding the team plane and everything.

All-Star Portrait: Fun with the Suns

Look at Nash trying to rock Amare's sweatband! Seriously, is there any team you'd rather be on right now than the Suns?

All-Star Portrait: Chris Bosh

Okay, so he only played in the Rookie-Sophomore Challenge but you have to give him props for wearing that standard issue All-Star shirt - you think AI or Shaq would wear that shit?

What Chris is thinking as he takes this picture:
"No more Vince! It's all ME next year, baby! New All-Star, new contract! Oh yeah!"

All-Star Portrait: Chris "I'm Never Getting Invited Back Here Again" Andersen

Oh Chris. I had such high hopes for you. But not only did you embarrass yourself on the court, look what you done gone put on off the court. This ain't Nascar, Chris! Put that damn belt away! Do you see people walking around in white sheets and pointy hats?? KNOW your audience. Same goes for you, halftime show producer.

All-Star Portrait: Gilbert Arenas

How cute is Gilbert Arenas?? He and Tayshaun Prince are the most angel-faced six-footers I've ever seen. Not only that, look at his Buckwheat shirt! Nothing says "aww" more than a baby and an afro!

On a sidenote, WHAT was up with the halftime show??? Babies are cute. Afros are cute. Dancing midgets and black cowboy rappers are just plain scary. Both the midget and the cowboy need to take a good long hard look in the mirror and really think about their life choices and how they're hurting not only their audience, but their respective race of people!!

Saturday, February 19, 2005



Anyone, anyone who says watching this
is more exciting than watching someone jump over a man AND dunk is clearly not right in the head and should immediately be removed from office. :)

That being said, OH.MY.GOD. DAP for Josh Smith, or J. Smoove as he likes to be called - remember he ain't goin to no colij and when you can dunk like that, who needs spelling?

My favorite dunk though was Amare's alley-oop off Steve Nash's head. That was sick! Seriously, is there any locker room you would rather be in right now? After the dunk contest, Cheryl Miller or somebody asked Amare how he and Steve came up with that and he said, "We do that stuff in practice." Somebody start filming the Suns' practice sessions please.

Thanks, boys, for bringing the Dunk Contest back (Sorry J-Rich)! I'll even sit through 20 more Chris Andersen dunks to see that shit again!

Friday, February 18, 2005

New Rules

In honor of the season premiere of Real Time with Bill Maher tonight on HBO (plug), I am going to make some New Rules of my own.

For those of you unfamiliar with Real Time, here's an example of one of his New Rules done at the end of the show:

New Rule: The Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Edition" is whacking material for guys too chicken to buy real porn. Apparently between the end of the football season and the beginning of the baseball season is the masturbating season. Which is fine. But to put on a national display of mourning and outrage over one exposed nipple at a sporting event, and the next week to show nothing but tits and ass in our premier sports magazine seems a tad hypocritical. Let's decide once and for all whether breasts are good or evil. Because after all, a nipple is nothing more than a bundle of nerves surrounded by skin, much like Howard Dean.
(Source: )

Onto my rules:

New Rule: If you are a male over the age of 10 and you still call your father "Daddy," you do not deserve to have your own segment on SportsCenter. After having to sit through 10 MINUTES of Nascar "highlights" and Dale, Jr. mentions just to see some real highlights from the Mavs-Suns game (not to mention the endless stream of "I just wanna race, Daddy" commercials), I've decided for the sake of humanity Nascar must go.

New Rule: All NBA contracts are now C.O.D., cash on delivery. This is for everyone who paid to watch Vince Carter in Toronto, Tracy McGrady in Orlando, or anyone currently on the Knicks roster. If you're getting paid over $50 million to play some ball (hell, even if you're getting $500,000), you better play some ball. If you can't bring yourself to deliver 100% of your effort, we no longer have to deliver 100% of your paycheck.

New Rule: If you have a 32 inch neck, don't wear a necklace...Unless of course it's hanging down to your navel and studded with $1mil+ worth of bling...Even then though... Now you know how much I love Don Nelson but at the Mavs-Kings game on February 11th, Nellie was rocking a necklace/choker thing that ranks right up there with Dirk's sweatband as "Things white people just can't pull off."

New Rule: If you went to a high school with the words "Academy" or "Prep" in its name, you AIN'T as ghetto as you think and you AIN'T from the 'hood. SO QUIT FRONTIN'! Just because you have a tattoo doesn't mean you're tough. Even Greg Ostertag has a tatt. Despite what Jay-Z says, not everyone has to have had a hard knock life to be a baller. So quit posing, quit whining, and quit posturing. JUST PLAY.

Now bring on All Star Weekend and a new season of Real Time with Bill Maher!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Happy 42nd Birthday, MJ

From one UNC man to another.

He not only inspired all future comers to shamelessly mimic his every dunk, fadeaway, and even his walk (ahem Kobe), everyone - from the kid on the street to Kirsten Dunst's character in Spiderman to David Beckham in Madrid - still wants to be like Mike. However, there is only one MJ, one #23.

Happy birthday to The Original, to which there is no heir-ness.

It's Gon' Get Dirk Nashty Tonight

It's so refreshing to see players who are tight both on and off the court. It's like hearing how everyone on Friends were really friends. You don't hear it very often with ballers so when you do and it's actually true - unlike Carmelo and Lebron's Nike sponsored friendship ("Uhh yeah, we tight.") - it makes you feel all warm and toasty inside. It's too bad Nowitzki and Nash are no longer doing the Texas Tandem together, but then again, it's great to see each guy coming into his own and stepping his game up another level. Let's hope though that this time, Nash remembers to not pass the ball to his old pal Dirk (11.16.04 @ Dallas: 10 turnovers).

By the way, while I'm very glad to see 4 really good teams play tonight (well, more like 3 1/2...actually, just 3 and KG), I hope all those All Stars playing tonight and this weekend don't get hurt. That means YOU, Steve! And what's going on with KG's knee? All I've been hearing lately is how KG shouldn't be playing at all right now. I know he wants to get the T'wolves into the playoffs, but I hope he's thinking long term too. I admire his effort and tenacity more than anybody, but at 28, he's not exactly a spring chicken anymore. Grant Hill lost some of his and Tracy's best years playing when he shouldn't have and the premature loss of KG would be devastating for the NBA and its fans. Okay, maybe not devastating but it would suck. BIG time.

T'wolves' New Head Coach: Herman Munster

Oh Kevin, what is going on with that suit?? Are you wearing shoulder pads?!?!

I'm not going to hate on Kevin McHale though b/c I think he could teach all those former players/executives/wannabe coaches/Isiah Thomas a lesson. I love, LOVE that he doesn't want to be the coach. He wants to be exactly what his job title says, VP of Basketball Operations. Period. In the J.Lo era where the number of hyphens in your job title is deemed more important than say, how you perform each job (and if you saw the Grammys you know the performance ain't good), it's gratifying to see someone singularly focused on doing the job at hand vs. half-assing this, that, and the other thing.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Vlade, the Yugoslavian Brad Pitt

Did you just almost throw up in your mouth, too?

Monday, February 14, 2005

Game Over (Flip)

A tribute to newly "relieved" Timberwolves coach Flip Saunders (I added in some cues where I thought some of his players might want to join in):

[Chorus: repeat 4x]
Game over, Flip, Flip, Flip, Flip, Flip, Flip, Flip, Flip
[Verse One]
KG: Ah shit, y'all done f**ked up and let me in this bitch
Spree: I'm just your average hood nigga with dreams of gettin' rich (But you don't hear me)
My crib big like a football field (football field)
You might f**k around and think I signed a football deal (But you don't hear me)
I take 15 minutes to drop a track (yeah)
Olowokandi: I take half a minute to load my gat (But you don't hear me)
I make 'em gloss all across the globe

Wally: I'm a pimp, I got your hoe takin' off her clothes (But you don't hear me)
Kevin McHale: A franchise like a Houston Rocket (Houston Rocket)

Every eight months is when I usually drop it (But you don't hear me)
I got the streets on lock, I like my beats with knock
You know my heat stay cocked, niggaaaaa
[Verse Two]
Spree: Look, I'm a Cristal nigga and you a red-winer
Cassell: You just an opening act, but I'm the headliner (But you don't hear me)

I'm 'bout to ship 3 mill' off top
Spree/Cassell pointing to McHale: You got your deal off your man, I got my deal off props (But you don't hear me)
I'm connected like dub and Mach-10 with ice cubes in my watch
And dubs on the black Benz (But you don't hear me)
Wally/Trenton Hassell: I'm getting' paid 'cause I do all the work

It's rainy days if we don't move all our work, we go bizirk (But you don't hear me)
I'm on the block fam, in the cream drop Lam
Spree/Cassell: Mostly our cats with deals, y'all ain't hot man (But you don't hear me)
I'm 'bout to do it again, you 'bout to lose it again
It's show and tell motherf**ker, I'm a prove it again
Spree/Cassell: The game over, 'cause shit about to change over
It's 'bout time 'cause hip-hop need a make over (But you don't hear me)
If most producers want to charge too much
But around my way that's how you get f**ked up (But you don't hear me)
You might think we all beats and rhymes
Troy Hudson aka T-Hud: But way before this rap shit, nigga, the streets was mine (But you don't hear me)
I got that hot shit, that "Thug Life" 'Pac shit
That get hot shit, that B.I.G. "Ready to Die" shit

Don't cry, Wally, don't cry.

Words of Wisdom from the Pro Bowl

Interview between Suzy Kolber and Carolina Panthers OLB Mark Fields before the game:

SK: So Mark, which Panthers team are we going to see next year - the one on the cusp of a Superbowl victory or the one that started 1-7?

MF: Oh definitely on the cups.

I think he's my new favorite player behind Hines Ward and Rodney Harrison.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Countdown to Valentine's Day

Since it's nearly Valentine's Day and all, I decided to give some love to some let's call them underperforming teams (ie. Hawks, Hornets, Warriors).

Quick question though: Who are these guys? No seriously.

Latrell Sprewell, The Thinking Man's Player

(Click to enlarge)

Not only is Spree a baller, he's an innovator as well.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Notes on Spurs-Nets

Pepe Le Pew Parker. A face that only Eva Longoria can love.

Anyway, onto the game. You know, you'd think that with the Spurs coming to down, the focus of the Nets would be on...I dunno, the game. However, spotted at the Joseph Abboud fashion show at Bryant Park by Page Six: Richard Jefferson, Brian Scalabrine, Nenad Krstic, and Lawrence Frank. Now Lawrence Frank is someone who could definitely use some fashion guidance (Exhibit A:, but during the middle of the season, the day before the League's best record comes to town hardly seems like an appropriate time. Bill Belichick may catch some flack for his sweatshirt but here are some other words that go along with him: genius, dynasty, champion. I can't imagine Belichick going out to dinner let alone a fashion show the day before the Colts come to town.

Yes, I realize a 16 game regular season is very different from an 82 game regular season, but you wonder why some NBA players have trouble focusing on the game when their coaches are even dazzled by the lure of celebrity.

Now, really onto the game.

Look at Vince. So tough. So emotional. So into the game. Where was all that the last 7 years in Toronto? If I was a Raptors fan, I'd be suing his ass for failure to deliver on paid goods or something, anything to get my money back.

Bruce Bowen. His new name is Jesus because if he can get that reaction, any reaction out of Vince, clearly he can wake the dead. Now normally I'd be siding with the shooting player in a situation like this, but I think Bruce Bowen brings more to the game than say a Danny Fortson. I don't think his intentions are to purposely undercut or injure other players. Plus it's Vince. You can only take his histrionics so much.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Stud of the Month: Kyle Korver

1. He's the NBA's latest heartthrob
2. He's going to All Star Weekend (albeit via the 3 point contest)
3. He hit the game winner over the Pacers
4. He got 1,446 people to donate coats for a chance to meet him.

5. He even got AI to rock one of the kids' jerseys he gave away.

It's good to be Kyle Korver.

Tomorrow night: Lebron vs. Carmelo

Remember when this matchup was two-sided? Look how cute lil' Spike looks.

Danny Deckchair

Instead of his usual elbows, Danny Fortson was throwing chairs after being ejected from the Kings-Sonics game. If Brad Miller could get suspended for throwing cotton sweatbands - not to mention Mike Bibby and Cuttino Mobley getting fined $15G's for yelling and Chris Webber getting fined $10G's for kicking the ball - Danny Fortson's got some Stern-shit coming his way.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Bulls vs. Mavs: The Un-triumphant Return of Don Nelson and Dirk's Sweatband

"My heart hurts, not my arm." Oh Nellie.

Josh Howard missed two dunks, Erick Dampier got beat off the boards by the Baby Bulls, and Dirk wore that stupid sweatband again. My heart and my eyes hurt.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Win $25,000 diamond ring from Dallas Mavericks

You gotta love Mark Cuban.

For their 25th anniversary, the Mavs are holding a random drawing sweepstakes for this $25,000 diamond ring. The catch? You have to live in the Dallas area. Bullocks!

For those of you who qualify or are interested, go here:

Feel free to enter on my behalf. :)

Steve Nash vs. Kings

This goofy bastard is the reason why the Suns are 2nd in the West and all FIVE starters are going to All Star Weekend.

Onto the game...

C Webb got the triple double but Amare...DAMN! That block at the end of the game was sick! Amare blocked Brad Miller's shot at the last .01 second of the game, denying overtime. Thank God they had those tents set up on the way to the visitor's tunnel or else it would have been raining cups and beer over at Arco. When are people going to learn: Defense is sexy!

By the way, at the end of the game, Chris Webber kicked the ball into the stands and Brad Miller threw his armbands into the stands (and not in the good, "Here ya go, kid" kind of way). Boys, you play the Sonics next. Don't leave us with a starting front court of Peja, Darius Songaila and Greg Ostertag!

Monday, February 07, 2005

Happy Birthday, Steve!

Steve Nash is now 31 years old. Old man's doin' his thang though. Here's hoping he and his back keep up for the rest of the season.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker @ SAG Awards

Eva made a cameo at the Spurs-Lakers game Thursday night and Tony returned the favor last night at the SAG Awards. So if the Spurs are the Patriots of the NBA, does that make Tony Parker its Tom Brady? I wonder what Pop has to say about all this.

Philly Faithful

So the Clippers are playing the Philly...on Super Bowl Sunday. I have never seen the Wachovia Center that empty...unless the Warriors are in town, of course.

Still you got to hand it to the Philly faithful that showed up. Nevermind that they're all wearing Eagles jerseys and chanting
E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES! to a confused Rick Brunson on the free throw line.

Current score: Clippers 75, Sixers 76, 3rd Quarter, 1:09 remaining

Oh God. Philly fans...with beer...on Super Bowl the Sixers game...bitter b/c they couldn't get tickets to Jacksonville. The Sixers better win this game. For their sake.

Saturday, February 05, 2005


And Pop's finally coaching in the All Star Game. Well deserved to both Timmy and Pop.

The Super Bowl: A Black-White Thing

I love watching all these "experts" make their picks for the game tomorrow. It's funny b/c now that Donovan McNabb is in the mix, all these people who never claimed Philly before (ie, Kobe "I'm from Italy" Bryant) are suddenly rocking the #5 jersey. It's also interesting to see politics at work in the Super Bowl, ie. white people backing New England and black people backing Philly. I was watching Around the Horn the other day (I know, you're thinking Why? but it's better than Cold Pizza!) and Michael Smith who lives in Boston and covers the Pats still picked Philly. Awesome!

Whatever - Boston fans are annoying anyway. Seriously, even when I lived there I couldn't bring myself to root for the Red Sox (nevermind the fact that I really can't bring myself to root for a game where noooooothing happens - click on Fox, score 1-0 and people standing around, flip back to show, flip back to Fox 30 min later, score 1-0, people still just standing around - AUGH the inanity of this game only rivals that of golf).

Anyway, despite the Boston fans, I still like the Patriots. Bill Belichick reminds me of Gregg Popovich and anyone who knows me knows how I feel about Pop. (Absolute.Adoration.) I was going around saying how much the Patriots reminded me of the Spurs, but then I heard Mike Breen or some other douchebag like that say it during the Spurs-Lakers game and that was the last of that. Still I love the way Belichick runs his team and that organization.

However, how could you not absolutely love Donovan and his Mama. Let me hear your battle cry!

In my young, juvenile days (as Shaq would say) I always picked which team I liked based on who had the cuter quarterback. Oh shut up – like guys really care about tennis or softball. Tom Brady would be the obvious choice here, but I have to say I’m going with Donovan and Philly. Donovan’s charming in a way that Brady's not (Have you seen Brady's interviews?? Snore.) and it's not like he's a slacker in the looks department himself. Plus, his mom - so cute in her pimped out #5 jersey - rocks the house.

Aiight time for some Magic-Cavs!

Friday, February 04, 2005

Phil Jackson and Luc Longley: Together Again

I will so pay anyone wh0 produces pictures of Phil Jackson and Luc Longley rollicking in the Indian Ocean.

I know it's been awhile since anyone's mentioned or seen Luc. Here's a picture of him back in his...umm, let's just say glory days (and judging by the rate of expansion of Magic and Sir Charles, add about 50-100 pounds to this picture):

Sexy, ain't he?