Monday, May 30, 2005

Game 4: Amare's "Tayshaun Prince" Block of the Night

ARRRGH! When Robert Horry hit that 3, I thought he was going to add another notch to his heartbreak belt. But Amare Stoudemire...Goddamn. Blocking Timmy's dunk with 0:36 left. And Shawn Marion actually broke through to score in double digits - all the way to 11. That's a record for him in this series. Game 5's gonna be craaaazy!

For All You Phoenix Fans

It was fun while it lasted. Even though I was rooting for Dallas in Round Two and I'm rooting for San Antonio now, I can appreciate what the Suns brought to the table. Unlike the Sonics, they seemed to have genuine chemistry and the funnest locker room in the NBA.

Now time for Game 4.

When Eyeliner Attacks: A Message For Rachel Nichols and Colleen Dominguez

Ladies, ladies, ease up on the eyeliner. You're covering basketball, not hawking Bibles on TV.

Here's a helpful website for you two and all those "metrosexual" boys out there. (Really, boys, you ain't fooling anyone. Just admit're's okay. We still love you.)!03B5212D66B3!5kW0r37g%252brwd%252bKllvg%3d%3d~~~~@

Malcolm Glazer vs. Manchester United Fans

Is it just me, or does the white-on-white hate caused by Malcolm Glazer buying Man U. make anyone else laugh, or at least let you know that God does indeed have a sense of humor?

Somewhere in Africa, a warlord is shaking his head and saying, "And they call us irrational."

Sunday, May 29, 2005


When someone from an opposing team misses a free throw, Rasheed Wallace tells him, "Ball don't lie." I have a similar message for Phil Jackson: The eyes don't lie.

At the draft lottery, Jeanie Buss told everyone that Phil gave her a lucky rock for the lottery, but it wasn't the rock she wanted. Then she pointed to her bare left ring finger. Not only that, while on a radio show in LA, Jeanie moaned about her non-marital state saying such girlie pearls as, "I just don't know what to do" and "Maybe I need everyone to tell me that it's time to move on."

Message to Phil: like you're a blonde white girl who's just simultaneously been spotted by Jerry Buss, T.O., and Tiger Woods. Get the hell out of dodge.

A woman pushing 40 in a 5-year relationship who's no longer hinting but actively (and publicly) campaigning for marriage like she's Mark Cuban trying to Nascar-ize NBA threads, that's basically the end of Zen in that relationship.

But to be fair, it's not just the women hunting for the ring. At the Mo Cheeks press conference, AI said, "I got all these fingers and no rings on 'em. I'm willing to do anything." Of course when AI says it, he sounds mad cool and it just adds even more to his appeal.

More Like The Matrix Revolutions

Can Shawn Marion have a more appropriate nickname than The Matrix? In the first round, he dazzled us with his array of tricks and effects. In the second round, we knew what to expect but we still liked what we saw. Now in the third round, we're just waiting for the series to mercifully come to an end.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I've Got Five Words for You...

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.

I don't care if he's crazy, high, or Jackie Christie. Season 2 DVD out today. Hmm..what do you think is higher comedy - Dave Chappelle impersonating Rick James or Isiah Thomas impersonating a GM? Personally, I'm going for Zeke because unlike the played out Rick James bit, Isiah and the Knicks will be the gift that keeps on giving for at least the next 2 years.

And on that note, draft lottery at 5:30 tonight. Go Zeke go!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Shaq Daddy: Cooler Than a Polar Bear's Toenails

How do you not love the Diesel?

Here he is getting freaky with some South Beach teachers. The footage of him dancing even made my mother - the same woman who thinks watching basketball is going to b) scare off my future husband, thus leading to a) turn me into a lesbian - even she laughed outloud and was completely charmed by the powers of Kazaam.

Jake Voskuhl: The Other White Meat

Huh...I didn't realize you needed to get your ankles taped to sit on the bench. Learn something new everyday.

Just wanted to give some love to Jake since the other white guy on the bench (Paul Shirley, blogger extraordinaire) is getting all the love.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Happy 53rd Birthday, Mr. T!

We should get him a gold fork to complete the set around his neck.

One Angry German

Mark Cuban best beware - he's got one very pissed off German on his hands. In the postgame after the loss last night, Dirk (after making everyone wait an hour) let loose more vociferously than he ever has before on topics ranging from letting Steve Nash walk to Stack not calling a timeout with 5 seconds left in regulation. He didn't go as far as Steve "I don't know what I'm going to wake up for" Francis, but he made his feelings quite clear.

Some of his sentiments:

"Obviously, I thought we had all the right pieces to go all the way, but I just think we weren’t smart enough. Overall our basketball IQ wasn’t great offensively and defensively."

"He played an unbelievable series and showed why he was the MVP. He mad some great plays, not only today to win the game, but in every game they won he was phenomenal. I’ve never seen him play better than this. I think he wanted to show Dallas what we missed and he did that."

"I'm going to be pissed off all summer."

He didn't deflect his own responsibility though, saying, "I was subpar at best in the first round. We came out of it because of Jason." (Although with his lilt it sounded more like "Jazon." I think his accent becomes more pronounced the more pissed off he gets.)

Dirk also said, "I'm going to get in even better shape, if that's possible...I'm going to be even more dedicated, if it's possible."

I still can't believe he threw the towel at poor little JET (Jason Eugene Terry) at the end of regulation. I felt bad for Jason, but Dirk's finally doing what everyone's been telling him to do - step up, be more vocal, assume more of a leadership role. It was also nice to see Dirk get that emotional over the game. I think his outburst and his postgame comment about getting more dedicated if it's possible was a dig at everyone who says he's not really into the game and he's more concerned with winning with his German squad. I admit I questioned his heart at times, but from what I saw in the postgame, he's for real and he's gonna be back with a vengeance next year. Let's hope he brings his European cousin Peja Stojakovic, too.

Friday, May 20, 2005

From Class to Ass(es)

Thursday night started with a show of mutual respect between the Pistons and the Pacers and ended with some Seattle fans out-assholing their team.

After Timmy went down clutching his ankle in the 4th -- a moment that probably made everyone in Texas gasp and drop the hay from their mouths -- people actually started cheering. When he got up and started walking around, they booed him.

Now I realize they lost Vladimir Radmanovic and Rashard Lewis and have been listening to Ray Allen go on and on and on about Bruce-Bowen-this and Bruce-Bowen-that, but honestly. How you gonna boo Tim Duncan of all people, especially when he's down. And you should really think twice before booing someone who plays for a region that boasts such rational luminaries as David Koresh, cow farmers who sue Oprah, and Dubya. Is the cheap thrill of booing someone really worth that cross burning in your yard? Oh I kid the state of Texas. I even went there once...and saw enough confederate flags to ensure I never go back unless the Mavs ever win a championship because you know Mark Cuban would throw the biggest party Texas has seen since Walmart first opened its doors and made the liberal, gay-lovin' Piggly Wiggly obsolete.

A Fitting Farewell

He was drafted to a chorus of boos but left to an arena standing in ovation and appreciation. Much props to the Pistons for ending the year of the brawl with the classiest move in sports in a long time - using their last time out when Reggie left the game to applaud the face of the Pacers for the past 18 years. I almost started crying like Ray Allen. But seriously, anyone who willingly chooses to stay in Indianapolis over LA, New York, etc, out of a sense of loyalty deserves a proper sendoff. I'm glad he got his due. Now enjoy life in Malibu, Reggie.

Good Night, Reggie

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Jim Jackson Love

Since I was so vehement in my support for Jim Jackson after the Rockets traded him, I thought it only fitting to show him some love after that ridiculous 15 point outburst in the 4th quarter. Of course I still want the Mavs to win the series. Plus Jimmy's starting to look a little like Jayson Williams. Creepy.

Mavs @ Suns, Game 5

Well, Dirk's face pretty much says it all. The Mavs got smacked in the face. And by Jim Jackson of all people. And on the day when Dirk finally beat out KG for a spot on the All-NBA First Team, he only pulls down 10 boards. 10. Steve Nash even got 13. Earl Boykins is somewhere saying, "I can get 10 on this team and I'm coming off the bench. By the way, I have enough poison in my body to kill an elephant." Random thought: I wonder what Little Earl thinks of that Nike spot comparing him to a little blue frog. On the one hand, he has his own ad, which honestly how many people thought that would happen. But on the other hand, he's getting compared to a little blue frog. Lebron gets to be a lion, Dirk gets to be an eagle, Sheed gets to be fire (I mean honestly, how much cooler can you get than fire)...and he's a frog? I love those spots though. Very well done. But I digress...

Back to the game. Mavs lost it in the first 2 minutes of the 4th quarter. Josh Howard had a shot to be Jannero Pargo at the end of the game, but came up short...very short. One thing I don't understand - Avery keeps talking about how important it is that Erick Dampier stay in the game. So why does he (Damp) keep going home with minutes and 1 or 2 fouls to spare? Let him Yao Ming himself out of every game if he's that important. Don't just leave him on the bench with 4 and then berate him in the post-game for not contributing. If he fouls out with 0 points and less than 10 boards, then by all means rip him a new one. But if he has fouls to spare, he needs to be doing something other than keeping Keith Van Horn company. But who am I to question the Little General and his A Team. That spot from Game 4 was fucking hilarious. For those of you who missed it, TNT did a little A Team parody called "Avery's Team" with Avery as Hannibal, Dirk as Dirty, Darrell Armstrong as D.A., etc. They played the music and everything. I especially loved how they included the clip of Avery's fall in Game 1 when doing his introduction. Was there a better character than B.A. Baracus?? I feel like the relationship between B.A. and Murdock is similar to that of Damp and Dirk. Okay now I'm just rambling. I'm going to stop before I start talking about Swans Crossing.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Eva Longoria and Trophy at Cannes

How much you want to bet that David Stern got a hard on when he saw this picture?? No, no, not because of Eva...but because she's wearing NBA-licensed apparel while promoting the game overseas. She's like the short, slutty, Mexican Yao Ming.

Message to Jerome James

Dear Jerome,

See, it ain't just you. Now shut up!

Monday, May 16, 2005

What to Do

No bball tonight...very sad. I got to open a book and actually read it. Shocking. Okay I lie...the book was Sports Illustrated and the subject Randy Moss. Always interesting.

Did anyone read ESPN the mag from last week (with Rashard Lewis and Shawn Marion on the cover)? Inside there were some tight pictures of Manu Ginobili with him rocking the black pinstripe suit and fedora. You know what always gets me about Manu? (What?) He carries himself with such swagger on the court that you expect him to sound a certain way off the court, like Tony Montana or even Fenster from Usual Suspects. Instead it's well...not. It's like when I heard David Beckham talk in his pipsqueak voice for the first time on Ali G. I was like "Oh, noooo." Manu's not that bad, but it just takes that edge off his swagger a little. Ah well, he's still cool as hell. I'm sure he sounds sexy in spanish...or do they speak argentinian down there? Hmm... Either way, in the immortal words of Charles Barkley, "GINOOOOOBILI!"

He better pick it up tomorrow night though if he wants to put up two fingers! Go baby go!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Charles Barkley on Real Time with Bill Maher

Sir Charles was doing his thang, promoting his tome "Who's Afraid of a Large Black Man" on HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher. Bill asked him about raising a biracial child, to which the one and only Chuckster responded, "There's some crazy black people, and I watch 'Jerry Springer' so I know there's some crazy white people. I just tell my daughter that she got the best of both worlds and I just want her to be a good person." Awww.

White Night

There was some white magic in the air tonight. I don't know if it was John Stockton day or something, but his successors went crazy.

Steve Nash got straight NASTY with 48 points, going 20 for 28. He only had 5 assists for the night, but what's even odder than that is Luke Ridnour - Luke Ridnour - going 9 for 15 (7 for 7 in the 3rd quarter) for a total of 20 points, 6 assists, and 3 steals.

I wanted the Mavs to win tonight, but Seattle?!? The air conditioning was on real strong tonight.* C'mon Spurs - beat some ass so we can FINALLY tell Ray Ray, Jerome James, Antonio Daniels, Danny Fortson and co. to shut the fuck up and go home! Down with Starbucks while we're at it! C'mon Timmy - bring down the empire! Okay, I've seen waaaaaaaay too many Star Wars commercials.

*Rick Adelman on the Sonics' flopping: "You talk about Vlade (Divac) being a flopper, (Evans) has taken it to a whole new level. He goes down when the air conditioning comes on."

Saturday, May 14, 2005

5 Hottest Guys Left in the Playoffs: Nominees, Part II

Keyon Dooling, Should be eliminated but on the list because D Jones isn't
Udonis Haslem, Before he dropped 40 pounds
Damon Jones Ooh, I just found out his baby's mama is a WNBA girl. I don't think he's married but the possibility of getting my ass kicked by a size 13 woman's shoe is enough to eliminate him from the list

Gilbert Arenas
Kwame Brown Let's not even go there
Brendan Haywood Noop
Larry Hughes
Antawn Jamison I know he's married (to Vince Carter's sister-in-law no less), but I love him. He handles himself with such class and grace. I'm glad he's found a home in DC
Etan Thomas

Rip Hamilton
Darko Yeah right
Tayshaun Prince

Stephen Jackson I don't know if he's married, but let's just say he is
Fred Jones
James Jones
Reggie Miller, Divorced. Did you see his Beyond the Glory? What a bitch
Jermaine O'Neal, Let's hope he doesn't name his daughter "Jermajesty"
Scot Pollard He and his wife named their daughters Lolli and Tallula. Just goes to show he makes an ass of himself on and off the court
Jamaal Tinsley I just can't believe that he's not really 39 and Reggie's not really 27.

5 Hottest Guys Left in the Playoffs: Nominees, Part I

I figured I better do this before Washington gets swept out tonight and Dallas self-destructs (c'mon Big D!). Since D Wade has enough people riding his cock after the whole 50 Most Beautiful People in the World thing - which I have no problem with, but you got to spread the love - I decided to limit this to the single (ie, unmarried) boys. Baby daddies are okay, because face it, it's the NBA.

List of eligible bachelors, some crossed out for obvious reasons (since Blogger doesn't have a strikethrough feature, pretend the underlined names are really crossed out):

San Antonio:
Devin Brown
Tony Parker
Beno Udrih

Ray Allen I think he got married last summer, but either way, all his bitching and moaning is pissing me off
Nick Collison
Reggie Evans Yeah right
Rashard Lewis
Vlad Radmanovic Did ya see the hair in the Kings series?
Luke Ridnour I think one white guy per team is enough

Marquis Daniels
Devin Harris
Josh Howard
Dirk Nowitzki

Joe Johnson, You know he’s single b/c after that nasty fall, he went to his mama’s house to be taken care of...too cute.
Shawn Marion
Quentin Richardson Brandy…need I say more?
Paul Shirley, Almost fell victim to the one white guy only rule, but Jake Voskuhl’s married
Amare Stoudemire