White Night

There was some white magic in the air tonight. I don't know if it was John Stockton day or something, but his successors went crazy.

Steve Nash got straight NASTY with 48 points, going 20 for 28. He only had 5 assists for the night, but what's even odder than that is Luke Ridnour - Luke Ridnour - going 9 for 15 (7 for 7 in the 3rd quarter) for a total of 20 points, 6 assists, and 3 steals.


I wanted the Mavs to win tonight, but Seattle?!? The air conditioning was on real strong tonight.* C'mon Spurs - beat some ass so we can FINALLY tell Ray Ray, Jerome James, Antonio Daniels, Danny Fortson and co. to shut the fuck up and go home! Down with Starbucks while we're at it! C'mon Timmy - bring down the empire! Okay, I've seen waaaaaaaay too many Star Wars commercials.

*Rick Adelman on the Sonics' flopping: "You talk about Vlade (Divac) being a flopper, (Evans) has taken it to a whole new level. He goes down when the air conditioning comes on."

5 Hottest Guys Left in the Playoffs: Nominees, Part II

Miami:
Keyon Dooling, Should be eliminated but on the list because D Jones isn't
Udonis Haslem, Before he dropped 40 pounds
Damon Jones Ooh, I just found out his baby's mama is a WNBA girl. I don't think he's married but the possibility of getting my ass kicked by a size 13 woman's shoe is enough to eliminate him from the list

Washington:
Gilbert Arenas
Kwame Brown Let's not even go there
Brendan Haywood Noop
Larry Hughes
Antawn Jamison I know he's married (to Vince Carter's sister-in-law no less), but I love him. He handles himself with such class and grace. I'm glad he's found a home in DC
Etan Thomas

Detroit:
Rip Hamilton
Darko Yeah right
Tayshaun Prince

Indy:
Stephen Jackson I don't know if he's married, but let's just say he is
Fred Jones
James Jones
Reggie Miller, Divorced. Did you see his Beyond the Glory? What a bitch
Jermaine O'Neal, Let's hope he doesn't name his daughter "Jermajesty"
Scot Pollard He and his wife named their daughters Lolli and Tallula. Just goes to show he makes an ass of himself on and off the court
Jamaal Tinsley I just can't believe that he's not really 39 and Reggie's not really 27.

5 Hottest Guys Left in the Playoffs: Nominees, Part I

I figured I better do this before Washington gets swept out tonight and Dallas self-destructs (c'mon Big D!). Since D Wade has enough people riding his cock after the whole 50 Most Beautiful People in the World thing - which I have no problem with, but you got to spread the love - I decided to limit this to the single (ie, unmarried) boys. Baby daddies are okay, because face it, it's the NBA.

List of eligible bachelors, some crossed out for obvious reasons (since Blogger doesn't have a strikethrough feature, pretend the underlined names are really crossed out):

San Antonio:
Devin Brown
Tony Parker
Beno Udrih

Seattle:
Ray Allen I think he got married last summer, but either way, all his bitching and moaning is pissing me off
Nick Collison
Reggie Evans Yeah right
Rashard Lewis
Vlad Radmanovic Did ya see the hair in the Kings series?
Luke Ridnour I think one white guy per team is enough

Dallas:
Marquis Daniels
Devin Harris
Josh Howard
Dirk Nowitzki

Phoenix:
Joe Johnson, You know he’s single b/c after that nasty fall, he went to his mama’s house to be taken care of...too cute.
Shawn Marion
Quentin Richardson Brandy…need I say more?
Paul Shirley, Almost fell victim to the one white guy only rule, but Jake Voskuhl’s married
Amare Stoudemire

Mama (Sheed) Wallace

The first time I saw Ann Iverson, I thought "Yeah, okay, I see where he gets it from." (He = AI = Allen Iverson, dumbass) (Dumbass = You who could not connect the dots from Ann Iverson to Allen Iverson, and you who thought dumbass could possibly be referring to anyone other than yourself) She was tough, scrappy, and had enough bling around her neck to rival the GDP of a small island nation (like Montserrat - $29mil), but you could tell how much she cared about her son...and if you not, you obviously didn't read the sign.


Likewise, when I saw Steve Nash's ma and pa, I thought, "Yeah, okay, I see where he gets it from."

So what must the woman who begat the 3-time league leader in technical fouls be like?

Answer: A force to be reckoned with.


The first time I saw Jackie Wallace was during playoffs last year. She was standing outside the Palace doing a little song and dance taunting the Lakers. Ever since, I've been hoping for some more Jackie Wallace sightings this year. Answer: pistons.com. Mama Wallace makes her picks, daring to pick Seattle over San Antonio and Dallas over Phoenix. Reasons? "Allen has an all-around game" and "Not a fan of Phoenix."

Brash, bold, and opinionated, keep an eye out for Mama Wallace. She's great. Let's hope Sheed gave her a championship belt too.

The 3rd Wallace.

Eva Longoria

I'm still trying to decide whether Eva's my hero or just a ho. I think I'm going to do a list, like the episode of Friends I saw last night. And who says TV isn't educational?

Hero: Dating/fucking the French starting point guard of the 2-time champion San Antonio Spurs.
Ho: Dating/fucking everyone else too, including the gay one from 'N Sync.

Hero: Has a personal escort to her seat from the Spurs locker room (the shoulder on the right of the picture).
Ho: Nothing ho-ish bout that, unless she's fucking him in the tunnel or something.

Hero: Gets to meet and chill with TD and Pop.
Ho: Bitch gets to meet and chill with TD and Pop.


Hero: Not a Lakers fan even though she lives in LA. Clearly, she knows something about basketball.
Ho: Perhaps previously hunted by Karl Malone and just scared off.

Oh Avery

From now on, anything that Avery Johnson does throughout his career I'm watching. I don't care if he's coaching the Mavs out of the playoffs or opening up a car wash. So long as it's on TV and there's a 5% chance he'll hit the deck, a 35% chance that he'll "just go crazy," and a 60% chance he'll actually throttle Erick Dampier - I'm there. Avery, you have officially taken over Don Nelson's spot as my 2nd favorite coach. (Pop is still #1.)

For those of you who didn't watch the Mavs-Suns game - which if you didn't, you crazy - around the 3 minute mark of the 3rd quarter, the Suns were running the ball up after getting away with another foul on Dirk* and you suddenly see this figure go down on the left side of the court in a fit of flailing arms and legs. It's Avery! Is he trying to trip up the ref? Is he so mad about the non-call that he's resorted to kicking and screaming on the floor? No no, Avery explained in the post-game interview that he was just trying to play a little defense. Oh Avery. This is the lesson that all girls learn in 7th grade: always remember to scuff up your heels so you don't fall on your ass in front of the cutest boy in the world, or in Avery's case, a national audience. Luckily for him, ratings are down AND a new episode of "The Bachelor" was on so only a couple million people were watching.

*You crazy, or just Robert Sarver, if you think they didn't. Dirk only got to the line once, ONCE. Even Peja, who develops an allergy to the paint and the basket come May, got to the line more than that against the Sonics.

Nash's MVP: David Stern's Olive Branch to Canada

I wrote earlier that Steve Nash winning the MVP was David Stern's way of giving Shaq the extra motivation he needs to beat Detroit. How silly and naive. Now I realize the truth: this was the Commissioner's way of saying to Canada, "I'm sorry about Vince Carter." What better way to assuage the anger and bitterness felt by Canadian fans from Toronto to Vancouver than to reward their one and only? I'm not saying Nash didn't deserve it...I'm just saying Shaq did. The Big Fella's only won one regular season MVP. How you overlook a 7-foot, 325-pound behemoth is beyond me.

Ah well. The bigger crime is D'Antoni winning Coach of the Year over Rick Carlisle. How the hell he got a team with two starters pushing 40, one with one arm, one who's 27 but walks like he's 40, and one who's, well, Stephen Jackson, not only in the playoffs but into Round Two...that's some shit.

Indy vs. Boston, or Why I Spent the Next 12 Hours Hugging the Toilet

For me and everyone living outside of D.C. and Chicago, the most exciting series hands down is/was Houston-Dallas. I couldn't have been more pumped before yesterday's game. The boys and I went to Costco and picked up a 1.75L bottle of Grey Goose, a 36 pack of MGD, some Red Bull and some tonic. We were ready and waiting for T-Mac and Dirk, Avery and Jeff (By the way, how entertaining have those two been? The two most irascible, defensive-minded coaches this side of Pop and Larry Brown). A pair of Game 7's, baby. Couldn't wait.

So what do we get instead?? Indy vs. Boston, a game so mind-numbingly dull that I thought time had stopped (actually it was just Jamaal Tinsley bringing the ball up). Don't get me wrong, Rick Carlisle was a fucking genius slowing the game down to the point of no return like he did, calling a time out every time Boston scored, but I needed like 5 drinks and half a liter of vodka just to get through the game. And of course all I had eaten that day were french fries so by the time the Dallas game rolled around, so was I...on the floor.


Funny - I had that same expression watching the game.

I got through the first half and then spent the next 12 hours alternately hunched over the toilet (which for me, being the biggest germophobe, is just another reason to throw up) and dry heaving into the trash can by the bed. At 4am, after my Steve Nash epiphany (more on that later), I finally decided I needed to get something in my stomach. I went to get the only thing tolerable when you're hung over - an Egg McMuffin - except that the McDonald's Nazi refused to serve breakfast until 5am. Can you believe that shit?? I explained the situation very patiently to her (starting from Game 1 when Houston beat Dallas up to Indy-Boston and the cause of my predicament) but the bitch wouldn't budge. Either that or she had no idea what I was talking about because I'm 99.9% sure now that she didn't speak a word of English. Anyway, to make a long story not as long, I ended up getting a Happy Meal, eating half the burger, then throwing it up -- all this before brunch with my Grandma and the rest of my family. And how was your Mother's Day?

Dirk: It's Time to Get Alive, It's Time to Represent!

Who says Euros aren't tough?

This is the Dirk I want to see more of today - tough and a little nasty.

I want to see a shoot-off between Dirk and Tracy (Dirk Tracy, haha), I want to see Josh Howard get a little rough with Yao, I want to see Yao get mad (or his version of mad anyway, which just seems to make Tracy laugh), I want to see Avery and Jeff get into it on the court, and in the end, I want to see Dallas to win if only to keep seeing all those Dirk commercials - "I call her before the game, after, I don't know what to do."

By the way, going back to Game 6, did you think you'd ever see a 6'5'' guard have to protect his 7'6'' big man?!? Oh Yao.

If Houston wins though, imagine an all Van Gundy finals -- we could have Jeff Van Gundy vs. Alonzo's leg, Part 2. But if Steve Nash did really win the MVP, I want to see Shaq go all MJ-on-Karl-Malone-in-'97. I wonder if Stern iced the MVP envelope to give Shaq the extra motivation he needs to get past Detroit.

Aiight, time to stock up on drinks. C'mon Reggie, c'mon Dirk. Oh speaking of the Celtics-Pacers game on Thursday, did someone forget to tell me that it's actually 2002 and they're playing in the Western Conference Finals??

Rasho

Look at this fool. He can't even focus enough to look at the camera when it's pointed in his face. No wonder things like one-on-one defense and putting the ball in the hoop when he's 2 feet away from it are such mysteries to him.

Shit I'm starting to sound like Stephen A. Smith. But seriously, who doesn't have the right to sound like a raving lunatic after 11 straight minutes of 0 for 17 in the FOURTH quarter of a PLAYOFF game. And Rasho didn't even contribute to that at all. He was doing a damn good job of keeping the bench warm. C'mon Spurs! Another performance like that and my neighbors are going to call the police on me...for real this time. Apparently, repeated screams of "What the fuck are you doing!!!" are a cause for concern.