The More You Know...A PSA

Yippee skippy - New episode of NBA Rookies on tonight at midnight on Spike TV, the channel that doesn't realize midnight signifies the start of a new day. Sadly, this episode is titled "Post season" so I doubt there will be any JR Smith anecdotes to share tomorrow.

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post, but I am fucking tired. I just started tutoring 10- to 13-year-olds in English and them bastards are trying to break me down. I've told them my name at least 20 times but they insist on calling me "teacher," or rather "TEACHER!" And since they repeat everything I say, except of course my name, I've taken to swearing in Spanish and French, with the occasional "schiessen." I started calling one of the boys "Rasheed" because he has a mouth that just won't quit. They're cute little buggers, though, especially the one that looks at me after everything I say and just says, "Yes?"

Carl, do you know what a synonym is?
Yes?
Okay, what's a synonym?
Yes?
No, what is a synonym?
Yes?
Carl, do you understand what I'm saying?
Yes?
Okay, so what's a synonym?
Yes.
Aight, good boy, Carl.

Rasheed usually comes over at this point and says, "Carl doesn't know what you're saying." Yes, Rasheed, I realize he doesn't understand. "Okay, I'm just telling you he doesn't understand." Thank you, Rasheed. "You see, he didn't know what you were saying." I've decided that teachers deserve a tenfold pay raise. Immediately.

If I don't pass out after watching Rookies, I'll finally put up my post on Linda Shanklin and Big Earl Smith. Until then, use a condom! Children ain't a joke!

More Fun from China

Tony Parker in classic Asian tourist pose.

So you think Kyle's happy to be there?

Sam D. and a really excited Chinese guy.

Tony: "C'est chouette.
Je vais après, Sam."

Three things that will survive no matter what happens in the world:


the rat, Ryan O'Reily, and Ronald McDonald.

And Bostjan Nochbar, Too

I almost forgot...Bostjan Nochbar was there, too. I felt I should rectify my omission since I may never have a chance to mention Bostjan Nachbar again, unless it's "JR Smith introduces Bostjan Nachbar to Harold and the Purple Crayon" or "JR Smith fights Bostjan Nachbar for last piece of Spongebob cake."

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria Go to China

I once called Eva the short, slutty, Mexican Yao Ming - and not in a bad way either. Well Ms. Thang proved me quite prophetic as she, along with Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Samuel Dalembert, and Kyle Korver, went to Beijing for Basketball Without Borders.

I must say, I'm quite impressed. You don't go to China and ride a camel if you're only in it for some courtside seats.

Tony and Manu, on the other hand, seem to be booking for Commissioner's Pet(s) of the Year honors. I'm not hating though because I think BWB is a great idea. Anything that puts Dikembe Mutombo and a microphone together in any way is gravy, baby. And how else would you get white boys from Iowa to go to China? (The bigger question here, though, may be how the hell did you get a white boy from Iowa in the NBA?!)

Brilliant, Commissioner, just brilliant.

More ESPY Coverage from the Cheap Seats, ie. In Front of My Computer

Andy Roddick

Andy, you are not that cool. One Open does not a superstar make. Especially when said Open was in 2003. Give me Marat Safin and his crazy ass anyday.

Donovan and Wilma McNabb

Ahh Donovan. I love him. And Wilma's Chunky Soup commercials crack me up. Let me hear your battle cry! AHHHH! So how come when I see this picture all I can think of is Kenan Thompson's impression of her on SNL?

ESPYs, Dwyane Wade Style

Look at Flash burgeoning into a superstar, on and off the court, right before our eyes. I think his association with Sean John will prove to be mutually beneficial. Not that he looked bad before, as evidenced below in a picture from last year ESPYs, but he looks more polished now, like he doesn't have to try as hard. And standing next to him of course is everyone's favorite sidekick, Damon "the Butler" Jones. Nice shades, superstar.

The Best Show on TV

Have you been watching NBA Rookies?

It is laugh out loud, fall off the chair, and pee in your pants hilarious.*

In last week's episode, "All Star Weekend," we got to ride along with the rooks (Andre Iguodala, Emeka Okafor, JR Smith, and Devin Harris) to the Rookie-Sophomore Challenge, but more importantly, we were privy to their pre-game conversation. Here are some of my favorite nuggets:

• The boys were talking about their seasons up to the All Star break. Andre says, "We [Sixers] are shooting for first in our division." JR Smith looks at him and says, "We're shooting for 20 games." Guess what team JR is talking about. Yup, the Hornets.
• Speaking of the Hornets, Devin Harris started the conversation about guys getting 50, referring to the Dirk Nowitzki-Tracy McGrady shootout. Then someone asked, "Who'd Stoudemire have 50 on?"
  JR says, "Us," and then for good measure adds "I never guarded him."
  Andre asks him, "Who'd you guard?"
  "Van Exel."
  Pause. Andre's thinking and then remembers, "Van Exel had 36 that game, too!"
  Everyone starts cracking up and JR looks away and mumbles, "Yeah."
  
• They also talked about dunks - who they dunked on and who dunked on them (there's also a little montage to Chris Andersen's anti-performance in the Dunk Contest the night before). Emeka was the first to answer the question of whether he got dunked on. In this little voice, he says, "Turkoglu." (I'd whisper that shit, too! Freakin' Hedo!) He was like, "They put him on Sportscenter. Number four."
• The subject of books comes up. Emeka says he's reading Digital Fortress, a Dan Brown book, and asks if anyone read The Da Vinci Code. Andre and Devin pipe up and say they've read it and Andre says he's reading Angels and Demons now. JR, who's been uncharacteristically quiet up to this point, finally jumps in with, "Anybody read Spongebob yet?" (I'm not even going to italicize that. That ain't a book!) Then after Devin asks if they've read the "Laker book," JR says, "I read Harold and the Purple Crayon, dawg." I love JR Smith, but thank God he can ball because otherwise he'd be a very very poor man.
• And as promised, an Avery reference. The boys talk about coaches and assistants, and Devin, not realizing the Little General would soon become his permanent head coach, does a spot on Avery imitation saying, "I used to play so hard it was illegal." Poor poor Devin. At least Erick Dampier now has a permanent roommate in Avery's doghouse.
  

The show has made me absolutely fall in love with Andre Iguodala and JR Smith -- and not because of their basketball prowess either, but because they have the two coolest parents on the planet: Linda (Iguodala) Shanklin and Big Earl Smith. And that leads me to my next post...

* By the way, if you're under the impression that "laughing out loud, falling off a chair, and peeing in your pants" is just another of my many clever expressions, you are mistaken (this time, at least). It actually refers to my roommate sophomore year who did all of the above when racked with laughter...or booze. Why would any baller want to miss priceless memories like that to make millions of dollars?

The Human Highlight Film

It's here! It's here! I feel like a little girl on Christmas morning. Some benevolent, wonderful (and anonymous) soul found me the link to the Shawn Bradley bodyslam.

And now for your viewing pleasure: The Human Highlight Film.

What, No Nookie from Cookie?

This is a bit belated since the BET Awards were 2 weeks ago, but just look at Magic's face! That is the face of a man who has NOT seen some skin in a looooooong time. Poor Magic.

Kremlin Addendum

124 diamonds, 4.94 carats, 4.06 ounces. Hot damn. If you had a chance to add this to your own personal collection, wouldn't you jack it, too?

On a sidenote, I am sad to report that I would end up in a Siberian gulag because I couldn't even swipe a PSP from a Birkenstock wearing, peace loving, vegetarian hippie like my friend Dave. There's a reason why the phrase is "like taking candy from a baby," and not "like taking candy from a much-stronger-than-he-seems 100 pound, 6'2 hippie."

Itsy Bitsy Spider My Ass

During our childhood, we're indoctrinated with this notion that spiders are little, harmless creatures. We sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and bastardize the rain because it felled the poor helpless spider. We read Charlotte's Web and thank God that smarty-pants Charlotte was around to save Wilbur. Well let me tell you, like Santa and the Tooth Fairy, that is a damn lie. These arachnids are vengeful little fuckers. A couple of nights ago, I killed a spider that was chilling on the wall in front of my computer. And since I'm a girl, the thought of actually scraping it up grossed me out so I just left it squashed there against the wall. Well two nights later, I'm on the computer again and I lean back in my chair and I suddenly feel this sharp pain in my ear. Kind of like a bee sting...Although I've never actually been stung by bee before so I don't really know what it feels like...But I imagine it's quite painful. Anyway, I was like "What the fuck!" and turned around. There, sitting on the top of my chair, was this spider, this vindictive asshole of a Kobe spider. Then it got up, flipped me off, and disappeared. Meanwhile, the tip of my left ear turned bright red and started swelling up. Three days and a crapload of Neosporin later, the redness and swelling have finally gone down.

Lesson of the day: If you kill a spider, remember to properly dispose of its venomous little body.

Tomorrow I'll discuss how stars aren't actually twinkling little diamonds in the sky but giant balls of flaming dust.

The Kings Legacy

Who the Kings have now,
minus C-Webb...

...And who they were looking at this summer.
Mike Bibby once X'ed, Punk'd, whatever Gavin Maloof on the Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Do you think this is Gavin's way of getting revenge?

London

I'm not someone really prone to public outbursts of emotion. I don't cry during movies except, inexplicably, Cool Runnings and Pocahontas. I think the lowest depth of depravity is people and/or organizations, whether they be terrorist or political, who use senseless tragedies for their personal advancement. That being said, I wanted to acknowledge the situation in London because I felt it would be completely disingenuous not to considering my last 4 or 5 posts have directly or indirectly referenced London in some way. It makes me sick that a day that should have been so jubilant and festive for Londoners instead turned into a bloodbath. It makes me sad that the headline underneath the one announcing the bombings was "British Muslims advised to stay home." In supporting London's bid for the 2012 Olympics, Nelson Mandela said, "There is no city like London. It is a wonderfully diverse and open city providing a home to hundreds of different nationalities from all over the world. I can't think of a better place than London to hold an event that unites the world." I agree. But why wait until 2012? Now seems like a good a time as any to get that event started.

Meanwhile, On the Other Side of the World...

Manu was doing some schmoozing of his own. Here he is presenting a basketball to Argentine President Néstor Carlos Kirchner.

Manu along with compatriots Carlos Delfino and Andres Nocioni and the omnipresent Dikembe Mutombo were down in Buenos Aires to promote Basketball Without Borders. Manu even got Pop to show up and yell at the kids.

But seriously, between hobnobbing with presidents and kissing babies and housewives, would you be surprised if Manu and/or Tony ended up being the mayor of San Antonio, Paris, or Bahia Blanca?

They both have an aptitude for gladhandling and diplomacy unheard of in Texas. And with Robert Horry signing a new 3-year deal with the Spurs, their team may have just gotten started. If they keep winning, who knows what else the future will hold for these two.

And if that's not enough for you, they've also managed to bring back the flag as national symbol and clothing accessory, all wrapped up in one sacrilegious package.

MJ, eat your heart out.

French: Benched For a Third Time

Tony Parker, on the right, didn't mince words after London was awarded the 2012 games. He said, "We did everything we had to do...It proves that the committee is Anglo-Saxon. They prefer the English." BBC Sport quoted him as saying he felt "extremely gutted."

The vote was 54-50. That's gotta hurt. And though it's meaningless now, as someone who's worked on enough losing political campaigns, I can appreciate the artistry of the Paris 2012 campaign.

I hope London steps up now that they've won. Because a sign in the yard just ain't gonna cut it.

Crikey: London 2012

Wow. Jacques Chirac is literally going to have to eat his words...and in front of a gloating Tony Blair, no less. Behold the power of Goldenballs.

The funniest reaction, though, came from HRH Princess Anne who flew down to Singapore in lieu of the Queen.

You can just hear her gasping "Heavens!" and that's about it. There's nothing quite like English, royal reticence. (Can you tell I've been reading Snobs? It's Bergdorf Blondes with a brain...times 10.)

Anyway, congratulations to London. Monsieur Chirac, good luck...you're going to need it.

Adios, Madrid

Madrid has officially been eliminated from the running - the 3rd city eliminated after Moscow and New York. Here's the reaction according to a BBC reporter Matt Williams, live in Madrid:
Disappointment, shock and surprise - those are the feelings here. They were chanting 'A Madrid' before the announcement but that has now changed and I can't repeat what they're saying now.

Don't you just love the Brits' sense of humour?

And, as I just found out, Madrid even sent someone other than Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario. Look who else decided to join the party in Singapore:

Pow-Pau Gasol. Alas, neither he nor the Spanish delegation's choice of Harry Potter ties did any good. Oh well, there's always 2016. For New York, too. Maybe by then we'll actually manage to put a decent delegation together...perhaps even have a president who can not only talk out of his ass, but can kiss some as well.

I See London, I See France

But why isn't there a Bush in the IOC's pants?

I'm shocked. No, seriously. Dubya missed a chance to use 9/11 yet again?! Truly shocking. And where was Laura? C'mon Dubya. You telling me you couldn't take Laura out of her cryogenic chamber for one day to show some love to NYC? Then again, considering our esteemed executive's preternatural ability to obfuscate and offend, his not showing up was probably the smarter choice. Actually, Dubya probably saw all the foreign names on the IOC and thought it was just another one of those pesky UN meetings he's always avoiding. Moving on...

London and Paris, the two frontrunners for the 2012 games, brought out the big guns. In addition to both their leaders showing up in Singapore, they also trotted out the two most current, internationally renown athletes in their arsenal:

David "Goldenballs" Beckham and Tony "Goldenballs" Parker.

The French delegation even presented a video directed by Luc Besson and starring Catherine Deneuve. The American delegation on the other hand...

We showed up with Bloomberg, a $5 t-shirt, and a candy bar. Actually, we didn't even bring the candy bar.

No, we sent more than just a shirt off the street. We sent Senator Hillary Clinton and an athletic contingent including Nadia Comaneci (Romanian) and Oksana Baiul (Ukrainian). What a wonderful message to send to the IOC: Give us the Olympics. New York's such a great city that all the world's athletes will want to turn their backs on their home countries and live here instead!

Still as bad as we did, at least we got Muhammad Ali there, too. Madrid and Moscow, on the other hand... Madrid sent Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario, a tennis player whose name no one can pronounce, and Moscow sent these fine specimens of physical achievement:

Should we just start practicing how to say "Let the games begin" in French now? I believe the correct translation is "Haha tout le monde."