Itsy Bitsy Spider My Ass

During our childhood, we're indoctrinated with this notion that spiders are little, harmless creatures. We sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and bastardize the rain because it felled the poor helpless spider. We read Charlotte's Web and thank God that smarty-pants Charlotte was around to save Wilbur. Well let me tell you, like Santa and the Tooth Fairy, that is a damn lie. These arachnids are vengeful little fuckers. A couple of nights ago, I killed a spider that was chilling on the wall in front of my computer. And since I'm a girl, the thought of actually scraping it up grossed me out so I just left it squashed there against the wall. Well two nights later, I'm on the computer again and I lean back in my chair and I suddenly feel this sharp pain in my ear. Kind of like a bee sting...Although I've never actually been stung by bee before so I don't really know what it feels like...But I imagine it's quite painful. Anyway, I was like "What the fuck!" and turned around. There, sitting on the top of my chair, was this spider, this vindictive asshole of a Kobe spider. Then it got up, flipped me off, and disappeared. Meanwhile, the tip of my left ear turned bright red and started swelling up. Three days and a crapload of Neosporin later, the redness and swelling have finally gone down.

Lesson of the day: If you kill a spider, remember to properly dispose of its venomous little body.

Tomorrow I'll discuss how stars aren't actually twinkling little diamonds in the sky but giant balls of flaming dust.