The Mailman Does Not Deliver on TNT

Karl Malone was a guest host on Inside the NBA this week and his appearance was magic. As in The Magic Hour. Since Karl loves to hunt so much, let's use a hunting analogy. If Ernie, Kenny, and Charles are decorated marksmen, Karl Malone is Dick Cheney. He might as well have shot Ernie in the face.

When asked about the coaching carousel in the NBA, Karl started talking about Marc Iavaroni and without finishing his point, leapfrogged to Jerry Sloan going to Illinois to hunt. When Ernie asked him if he still kept in touch with John Stockton, Karl talked about how John was the godfather to one of his kids and then how they should have showed John's statue in front of the EnergySolutions Arena. He'd ramble on and on about something and then just kind of stop. There'd be a momentary pause while Ernie figured out if Karl was going to finish his point or not, and then Ernie would bring everyone back with an "Okaaaay..."

I don't know how much longer TNT is going to punish Charles and by extension us, the viewers, but in case this suspension results in more appearances by the Mailman, I feel a quick workshop is in order. Here we go:

How to Be a Studio Analyst: A Hunter's Guide

Before you begin speaking/shooting, you must find a point/target.
You are the gun and your words are your bullets.
Pretend your point is the defenseless little animal you love to kill.
Track it, determine its path before you start shooting off at the mouth.
Don't let the point get away from you.
Focus.
When you have the point in your sights, shoot.
You don't need to spray buckshot all willy-nilly.
That's how random old men get shot in the face.
Use only the amount of bullets that are necessary.
When you're finished, the point will be done as well.
Time to move on.

Repeat the steps above or give someone else a turn.

Please, TNT. Give Charles another turn. Yes, he went from Blackjack to BJs but hey, at least he wasn't photographed hitting the bong! The Moral Majority Minority have moved on to Michael Phelps. Now is the perfect time to bring Charles back under the radar. An All-Star Weekend without the Chuckster but with G-E-I-C-O? Say it ain't so.

Rondo vs. Alston, or "Two Guys Who Can't Fight Staring at Each Other"

Or so says Charles Barkley. I missed the Celtics-Rockets game on Tuesday night, but luckily, my DVR caught Inside the NBA and Charles's take on the non-altercation between Rajon Rondo and Rafer Alston.

Is there a more influential, iconic athlete in our generation than Charles Barkley? He played with The Greatest Ever and retired 8 years ago, and yet his name still pops up in regular conversation. I caught an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians the other day (I'm embarrassed to say), and Bruce Jenner brought up the Chuckster's infamous "I am not a role model" quote to teach Kim a lesson. No, not on how to not act like a slut, but how not to act like a diva because that would negatively influence her younger sisters. I also read an article in SI on pigeon racing awhile back and the author describes pigeons as "the Charles Barkleys of the natural world: unassuming and bottom-heavy yet surprisingly athletic."

I'd rank Charles ahead of MJ, Tiger Woods, and Brett Favre on a scale of influence because while the latter 3 are icons in their respective fields, Charles's influence reaches well beyond the scope of his sport, due in part to his willingness (and the reticence of the other three) to state opinions on divisive matters. Charles has taken on the Church, homophobia, Democrats, Republicans, racists, feminists, Warriors fans, Suns fans. What a breath of fresh air (sometimes hot air) in a "No comment" era. At the end of the day, we know where he stands and I think people respect that more, even if they don't necessarily agree with his stance. Who knows. I may be wrong, but I doubt it. :)

Charles Barkley on MNF

Did anyone else notice the Chuckster in the booth with Mike Tirico, Jaws, and Tony Kornheiser during the Redskins-Eagles game Monday night? I turned on the game to check the score during the second half, but switched to Prison Break before Charles said anything. He better not be abandoning TNT for MNF!

Photo Source: Deadspin